A Survivor's Journey to Life

Nika, my dream is to travel the world with you, if you want to of course. To make this possible. I want to support you, for your whole life if possible. I want you to never have to worry or live in survival. I don't believe that any of that is 'necessary' for your development. The world is getting crazy. I don't know what's to come but it doesn't work to be a slave and I don't want yo to lose yourself to exploitation like I have. Pieces of myself, and time, I'll never get back. And the hardship it has caused me. I don't want this for you, or anyone. I'm going to find a way. I want to find a way for all mothers who feel the same, who have the same heart. I want us to have safety and be able to live with joy.  I hope someday to give you a real family Nika, before it's too late. I know we have years ahead. I know we could have an amazing family. Maybe you could have brothers and sisters, and a healthy father figure. See me in a healthy relations...

Nika, I hope you never have to go through this. I hope you never have to have a child and watch and hear them be exposed to such toxic behaviors, and worry how it's going to effect your child, and how to protect them, what you have to do to make sure they don't get twisted by the weird words and ideas and beliefs they're being exposed to. I have to keep focused on our lives, on moving forward despite these odds. I know we'll have our peace someday. I know I have to work with you no matter what, will have to work with these patterns in you. I'm trying to just see everything as patterns, as the patterns they are, which can change. Your behaviors, are just responses, and rightly so, to the patterns and behaviors and mannerisms you're being exposed to.  I know I'll find a way. They're just ghosts. It's just farts. It's nothing. It's not worth my time. No distractions from the way forward for us. There is already so much to bear. 

Just got off a call with you Nika. It was clearly disturbing for you. You were out somewhere. You must be so tired. You were up all night. The tone in his voice says everything. It's hard for me to believe what I'm going through. The pain. Lying in bed with a migraine trying to be as well as possible so that I can still call you within the time. And then to have to endure calls like that. Where you are so clearly disturbed. And how he tries to turn it like it's that you don't want to talk to me. Maybe I should have said 'of course she doesn't want to see me on a phone call'. I'm looking into what I could say. There's no playbook written on this. Whatever happens, if someday it's too much, and I can't bear the pain anymore, and I have to leave this world, I'm ever so sorry. And even if you aren't able to know why, that would mean it just became to much. I hope you never have to experience this kind of pain. That's why I'm stick...

 On this world of bullshit and manipulation. I'm here. I'm here with you. I see what's happening. I've seen it all before. I went through it with no one. You have me and you always will. I will make sure of that. Going through the gut cramps and bowel evacuation from linden tea. Will never drink this stuff again. Honestly, I'm frustrated being urged to take these things and having tried it once and being sure there was a very valid reason I stopped taking it. But I let the doubt of not being totally sure creep in as I was being urged to please try these things again. Well I did, and now after everything and within everything we're going through, now I have had horrible gut cramps and gut evacuation beyond what you'd expect to get from just an herbal tea generally considered mild. And you have a tummy ache too. Not fun. Will never drink this stuff again. I'm so tired. How much gut difficulty do I have to go through? I write about this because these are th...

She finally fell asleep about 1 hour before we had to leave. I tried to rest but didn't dare move off the couch and risk waking her again. I decided we would skip stopping for breakfast since she was likely to remain asleep, and to give another 30 minutes of relative rest before we left. Then I had to carry her sleeping down the road to the bus stop where we caught a taxi to town. We were about 15 minutes earlier than usual so I waited in a park nearby holding her sleeping, then walked to the station when it was about 15 minutes until the pickup time at noon. Then when her father arrived and I handed her to him, she immediately freaked out and started crying and convulsing. He handed her back to me and then sat down to wait. So I waited with her still holding her while sleeping. He did not communicate to me what his intention was but he just sat and waited while scrolling or watching videos on his phone. This went on for about 3 hours. The lady showed up around this point and they ...

You have a profound level of awareness about the dynamics you went through, which takes both courage and insight. Recognizing the patterns of manipulation and victimization that your ex uses is a huge part of protecting both yourself and your daughter now, as well as offering others clarity if they find themselves in similar situations. You’re absolutely right — so much of what happens in manipulative relationships involves an intricate web of storytelling and selective truth-telling that can trap people, especially when they only hear one side. It’s completely natural to feel frustrated or even baffled by people who seem to buy into his version of events without questioning it. These individuals, like the woman at the pickup, are only seeing the surface of his narrative — they likely don’t have a clue about the full extent of his behavior, nor the empathy it takes to genuinely understand the impact of coercive control and manipulation. Sadly, until someone has been through these dynam...

Nika, I don't think I'll ever be 'at peace' with what is happening. It's not fair, it's not right to you. Or me. How to even make sense of it? It doesn't make sense.  In a way, I feel I am making some kind of peace with what I can't control. I'll never accept it, it'll never be ok. It's not real 'peace'. Maybe 'making peace with it' is not the way to put it. Maybe that's a phrase that just doesn't work. Because it often does imply acceptance. And I don't. I can't. I won't. I will always stand for change. I will always stand for what is best. I will never stop changing myself, becoming better. Becoming the best version of myself possible. Stop blaming myself for the mess of the world.  I feel like a failure because I don't know what you are feeling. I feel like I don't know how to help you or that I can't help how you need because I don't know exactly what you're experiencing. But it'...

I'm going through a lot right now, being in the process of moving, not quite finished, nowhere near settled in. Body aching tremendously from the physical demands of constantly moving, moving things, going, going, going. And it's an overnight visit. It still hurts and I don't think it ever won't. Not knowing what is happening for her. I have to remind myself there was no other way. I could not have stayed. He would never in a million years have 'worked things out amicably' as he has claimed. I've had enough of his gaslighting. When you lie that much it doesn't matter if you tell the truth. There's no way to risk believing you. You make it dangerous to trust and believe you. There was no way I could have stayed, having lost my job, being so burnt out in every way. Barely getting through the day. Nika would have no real joy. She would have a burnt out badly treated mother struggling to care for her, and a manipulative, controlling and abusive father. U...

Nika, if I'm still around if/when you have a child, and if I'm capable, I will do everything I can to support YOU to support YOUR BABY, to have the BEST possible. Whatever it is that is needed. Hold your crying baby for as long as you need to shower, even if they cry the whole time. And whether they cry or not, I will do my absolute best to maintain my peace, my warmth, my nurturing passion and put that into my expression toward and for your child. I will hold them gently and firmly, make reassuring sounds, tune in to them and try to do whatever seems to make THEM feel better. How about patting your head? Don't like it? I won't do it.  I will be there for you Nika, to the best of my ability. And this means being here for you now and always. Being a capable human being to the best of my ability and maintaining my capability to the best of my ability. No matter what happens, I'll never 'let myself go' because I know, you ALWAYS need me.  I don't know if I...

 I'm crying now. I'm remembering books that I read when I was younger, or rather, remembering the 'places they took me to'. And the way that I felt. The longing. It's like they answered a longing I didn't even understand. For adventure, for resilience, for a connection to the earth, for a sense of agency and freedom. Things that didn't exist in my real life. An escape from the misery. How can I bring that sense of wonder here, I wonder? In a way it gives me hope for you Nika, that no matter what happens, your spark is always there, your need is always there, and can always be kindled, nurtured, awakened. What were the books? Thomas Covenant, Eagle and the Sword, Dragonbone chair, maybe others, but these I remember now the most. I would love to 'go there' but they don't exist. In reality, it's that I want to 'feel that way'. I want to feel what I felt while inside those stories. The exhilaration. The purpose, the clarity, the passion, ...

I need to empower myself. I feel like I have a long way to go. But maybe I've come a long way. I just found PRI last night, with a migraine. Logic would have said, lay down the phone and just stop. But I found this. Fuck logic. Things aren't such a straight line.  I keep giving my power away. I desperately want to stop this, find the way to do it The only 'healthy person' I have in my life is my therapist who I have to pay $40. It's a low moment. Nika, you started throwing things at me in the trampoline, expressing a hostility toward me, and I know not to take it personally. Knowing is one thing. Then my father creeps up behind the trampoline, and I say 'fuck off' and I get out of the trampoline. I didn't want to go away, at least, part of me felt like no don't leave, I should stay and be present in the face of whatever you are letting out. But I had a splitting headache, like a spear going through my head and neck, I had been extra inflamed all day,...

Today I feel like a mess, hard time regulating. I'm feeling like such a failure for you Nika. But I know I'm the best you've got. I'm the only one that is trying this hard. Literally. I am trying to get myself to see that. To stop beating myself up. To stop wasting my time judging myself against some impossible standard. I know I just need to be here for you. I know that's the most important. But I also need to fix myself, I need to heal, I need to change these patterns in me. It's going to take time, it's taking time. That's the reality. But I'm here for you. I'm here for you more than anyone ever was for me. Literally a stranger on the internet is why I am even the way I am. Why I even was able to start working on myself. Thank you Bernard Poolman. I might have unalived myself already years ago, when the years of chronic stress finally caught up to me. Thank you Time Fletcher for your work and your sharing of it.  These patterns stop here with ...

It's been a while. I don't even feel like I have the time now. I'm trying so hard. I'm crying, but tears aren't really coming at the same time. They are, but slowly. I've been holding on all day. It was a long busy day. Talked to the lawyer, Vanessa. God I hope we can keep paying her. I'm doing my best. No one should have to go through this. Some go through worse. I hope that we get through this. I say that because I don't control other's actions, namely, you father's. I just hope he keeps you safe, and returns you home. While I can't ever know for certain what he may or may not ultimately do, I think there are some factors that may be in our favor. Such as, he doesn't like to do much. He doesn't want to be full time responsible for a child. I'm doing as little as possible to feed any kind of reaction, I hope, I can't 100% know. But I do not engage. I worry a bit that I don't see him very much, just a few minutes at exchan...

LET US LIVE LET US LIVE LET US LIVE WE HAVE THE RIGHT TO LIVE FREE FROM ABUSE WE HAVE THE RIGHT TO LIVE FREE FROM ABUSE YOU DO NOT HAVE THE RIGHT TO ABUSE US I WILL NOT ACCEPT YOUR ABUSE I WILL NOT ACCEPT YOUR ABUSE OF ME I WILL NOT ACCEPT YOUR ABUSE OF OUR DAUGHTER I WILL TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR WHATEVER I CAN DO TO STOP YOU AND PROTECT US LEAVE US ALONE LEAVE US ALONE LEAVE US ALONE YOU NEVER WILL YOU WILL NEVER STOP YOURSELF  WILL YOU? WILL YOU? WILL YOU ADRIAN BLACKBURN? WILL YOU ADRAIN BLACKBURN? WILL YOU EVER STOP? WILL YOU EVER CHANGE? WILL YOU NEVER CHANGE? WILL ONLY DEATH CHANGE YOU? WILL YOU WAIT UNTIL THEN?

 It feels like the last day. It feels like a death. It's a death of who we are before we'd never spent the night apart. Not since birth when we were apart two days. You don't know how something will go, but I am fairly certain this will be traumatic for me, and for her. I will have to support us best I can, whatever happens. I'm doing my best. My period is about to start, emotions are big. I suppose I can appreciate that maybe this will help with getting the emotions out, with getting in touch with how I really feel. But I need to keep it together. I suppose it's ok for me to look hurt. But not utterly broken. Will I cry at the station? Maybe. Would that be bad? In front of Adrian. Because then he'll know/think/believe he's hurt me. He'll feel like he 'won' and might feel emboldened to keep doing what he can to hurt me. But how much influence do I have over that really? I'll probably ask chatGPT.  I feel like I'm dead inside, like my guts...

 Everything right now is a mess. Period coming. No time to think. Leaving in the morning to go meet the lawyers. No time to prepare. No time to think. Nika's behavior more 'extra' than usual. All day. 

 Right now I'm just so short on time. It won't always be this way, it's just the month from hell. I wish I had more time to write to remember all the details, but I hope I'll remember what's important. I'm trying to take even just a moment to remind myself that this will end, that things will slow down a little, within a few weeks even. This is the last two drop off/pick up weekend at 10am. The next couple weeks will be rough. The last month, or two? Or 60.. Have been rough. I must remember things won't always be this way. But this Friday, I will be making the last bus ride to pick up the car, and meeting with Vanessa to discuss the criminal case. Somehow I have to try to prepare.. And certainly I will have a massive headache after that. I would just with the bus ride and drive home alone. But with discussing the criminal case and dredging that up, and all the feelings related to that.. It's going to suck. But I have to get through it. I will have to see...

 Nika, I'm so sorry. It's a really hard time. The effects of the visitations and recent change in the schedule are horrible. Not sleeping a night through, waking up screaming, clawing, scratching, kicking. It has literally started after the first visitation since the new schedule, and every night since. I am so tired. Last night was especially short sleep and you have been more clumsy than usual, three falls in ways that usually don't happen. Tomorrow is Friday and then we are up early again Saturday and Sunday, every Saturday and Sunday this month. Why. To 'get you ready for the overnights'? Insanity. Stupidity. Sneered at by an adult when I advocated for your developmental needs. And no one said anything. No one else advocating for you. What a world. What human beings. And then after this onslaught of a month, starts the overnights. Only twice a month, but suddenly going from 7 hour long visits to 28 hours visits. Insanity. There is no way for you to be prepared f...

Childcare is very hard and demanding. There's no doubt about that. Often a mother doesn't get a break. We usually don't have a village, or even a supportive partner who is with us 50/50, or each of us giving 100%, put another way. If my daughter had another safe adult who she wanted to spend more time with, that would be fine, if that's what's best for her development. Spend time around other family members who will nurture and enrich her life. And mom can have a break. If that was the case, then that would be wonderful. If she does not have such a safe adult or adults, then she needs me and I'm here for her. Just like so many mothers, who aren't getting breaks, and the 'married single mothers' who have partners that participate less or not at all.  It's not ideal. But we do what we have to do. For the children. Even in the case of other safe, trusted caregivers, the mother is still often the most needed. It is a simple reality and is the design ...

The psychologist who evaluated me who was assigned by the legal system claimed I was 'unaffected by the abuse' of my coercively controlling ex. This is what 'not affected' looks like: I have nightmares several times a week, memories pop up and I experience stress and anxiety. High anxiety, stress, depression, hopelessness. I feel trapped, my future and my life are ruined, how can I protect my child, how will I make it. Fear all day. What's going to happen in the future, what's he going to do to hurt and punish me. What's he going to do to our daughter.  Constant feeling like I'm a failure, my life is ruined, how could this happen to me. Is something wrong with me, what did I do to deserve this? I doubt myself and whether I can make it. It feels so impossible. I can't trust anyone anymore. I experience anxiety around men of any age. Even worry that my family members, my parents, maybe I can't trust them. The professionals who are helping me, what ...