Day 44

 Right now I'm just so short on time. It won't always be this way, it's just the month from hell. I wish I had more time to write to remember all the details, but I hope I'll remember what's important. I'm trying to take even just a moment to remind myself that this will end, that things will slow down a little, within a few weeks even.

This is the last two drop off/pick up weekend at 10am. The next couple weeks will be rough. The last month, or two? Or 60.. Have been rough. I must remember things won't always be this way.

But this Friday, I will be making the last bus ride to pick up the car, and meeting with Vanessa to discuss the criminal case. Somehow I have to try to prepare.. And certainly I will have a massive headache after that. I would just with the bus ride and drive home alone. But with discussing the criminal case and dredging that up, and all the feelings related to that.. It's going to suck. But I have to get through it. I will have to see this through. Then it is the first overnight Saturday to Sunday. I will only have to drive on Saturday, and pick her up here on Sunday. But it's going to be our first night apart. 28 hours apart. We haven't gone that long since she was born and we were apart 48 hours. I wanted to never be apart from her again after that, never let her go, until she is of course ready to go. She's not ready for this. Nor am I. But we have to go through it anyway. I will never forgive him. This can't be forgiven, it can't be undone. Patterns can be undone, behaviors can be changed, consequences prevented. But you can't undo what's been done. What you should have prevented. 

And then, Monday, have to drive the car back down, Dawn goes to the airport and is gone until Friday. We bus home alone. To be alone the next four days. After everything. I hope it goes smoothly and Dawn returns as planned. And then we have one week, until the next overnight. Then it's only twice a month, and some months have an extra week break. Thank god. I don't know that it's ever going to not hurt, the overnights, and especially whatever behavior changes there will be. And that she might be exposed to more abusive behavior. To be trapped there so long with him.






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