A Survivor's Journey to Life

As parents we are learning that punishment doesn't work It creates adults that accept being punished War is punishment This is why we accept wars We learned to accept punishment as valid Good news - it's not It's never effective It creates a change in the short term That leads to a negative long term result It's what we're used to  So it's not easy to change But once you've changed It's easier Once you experience the result Once you see it's possible Once you feel lighter and more joyful You'll never go back We create the abused By thinking that it's ok to punish It's ok to do harm sometimes Not just physical but psychological Manipulating, gaslighting, demeaning Treating a child as less than and not deserving of respect This is what they learn This becomes their self-belief They don't magically grow out of it Just ask therapy What we experience in our formative years Forms us That's why the nurture revolution is so important It...

For my adult life, I was always caught between not enough time and not enough money to be able to do anything. I desperately wanted and tried to live the things I was passionate about, like gardening and sewing and painting and drawing. But I never could really go into those things. You need time and resources. I either had neither, or one but not the other. If I had money, I had no time, and didn't really have enough money either. I never consistently had enough money to just even meet my own needs. Irreducible needs. So I also had a lot of health problems which effected my ability and capacity to do things. I had gotten into the best position I'd ever been in, but still couldn't cover my needs alone, not enough to live well. I was paying down debts from all the treatments I needed to try when my chronic pain manifested in 2015. But I was about to have paid it all off in another 3 months. Then I would have had an extra $1000 every month. But I was still struggling to hold ...

 Nika, I just want to spend every moment with you. Even to be here typing is so hard. Every headache I have, it makes it so hard to be here and be with you. I know someday this time will be gone. I'm trying so hard to heal from everything, for you. I'm sorry for everything that I am, for everything that I come from, and that you now come from. I'm sorry for all the lamentable things, all the things you may one day hate about yourself, that I now hate, and endeavor to change.  I hope I can change them in time, for you to not be so affected.

 I'm just looking for some kind of peace. Some kind of resolution. Some degree of security and feeling of rightness. Does it just not exist? Do some have it and others do not? Is all the wrongness of the world, of individual's experiences, a result of the wrongness they inherit from what and who they are born into/to? Does the peace and rightness not exist in what came before? So we have to create it in ourselves?  How do we do that when we are broken? When it's never existed before? Do I search for something that never existed? Is that why searching is futile? Is creation the only way? Self creation? Of peace? Of rightness? What would rightness be? A world where no children starve? Where no abuse exists? There is not going to be a feeling of rightness for a long time? It shouldn't be a feeling? It should be a sense? A sense of rightness, sensing what is here, then it's real, a rightness that actually exists. Not just a feeling. But for now, the feeling is the guide...

 He took you and left. In a car and didn't say where you were going. With some guy I don't recognize. It doesn't feel great. I'm doing my best to stay calm, and be ready for whenever you might be brought back. I hope you are ok. I hope you know that I am here for you. But I know you're just a child. You're just two years old. Barely talking. So much understanding and development yet to come. This makes no sense. I'm sorry Nika. I will never forget who he is. I will always see it. I won't be fooled anymore by appearance. He only fools himself and anyone else who believes him. I will do whatever I can to ensure you come through this as best as possible. That's the best I can do. Some things I can't control. I am starting to want to break down, cry. But I can't yet. I need to be ready for you to come back. Anytime. And to not seem broken down. I don't know. Maybe it's good if he thinks he's hurt me. He'll feel like 'he's ...

 I am not fear. I will not give in and participate in the fears. I know already that if I do that, it's how they manifest. It's no mystery. I remember when I decided I wouldn't go into fear while driving. Because that's what my mother did when we got into the accidents. She didn't check for herself if the road was clear, she saw somebody wave to her and she just went. Didn't look. As soon as she realized there was a car coming from the other direction, she panicked. Didn't try to quickly get out of the way or into a better position or throw it in reverse, whatever. Pulled right out in front of the oncoming vehicles. Did she have a blind spot there from trauma? Was it a latent hatred or malice toward me? That blinded her to the danger that was aimed right at me in the passenger side? Did she already fear that she had ruined me that she made it true?  She must have had a terrible time as a mother. With how she is and the circumstances. It's not an excuse, ...

Nika, I'm so sorry. I know you're small and vulnerable, because you can't take care of yourself yet. And I know when a much larger adult acts intensely it can make you wonder if you are safe. I don't ever want you to worry about that. You should know that you're safe with me. You need to have someone safe you can trust. I need to be that person. There is no one else.  I have big feelings sometimes, but it doesn't mean I don't love you. I will always love you. And I'm working hard to find better ways to deal with my big feelings that aren't scary for you. It's ok to have big feelings, because sometimes life is too hard. Sometimes things really hurt, and this causes big feelings. It's not your fault. I will always love you no matter what feelings you have. And I will always do my best to keep you safe while you're having big feelings.  I will always be here to walk with you through whatever you're going through. I'm sorry if there...