Day 59

Just got off a call with you Nika. It was clearly disturbing for you. You were out somewhere. You must be so tired. You were up all night. The tone in his voice says everything. It's hard for me to believe what I'm going through. The pain. Lying in bed with a migraine trying to be as well as possible so that I can still call you within the time. And then to have to endure calls like that. Where you are so clearly disturbed. And how he tries to turn it like it's that you don't want to talk to me. Maybe I should have said 'of course she doesn't want to see me on a phone call'. I'm looking into what I could say. There's no playbook written on this. Whatever happens, if someday it's too much, and I can't bear the pain anymore, and I have to leave this world, I'm ever so sorry. And even if you aren't able to know why, that would mean it just became to much. I hope you never have to experience this kind of pain. That's why I'm sticking it out as much as I can. 

Will I be able to even find help here? That understands this level of malicious? I'm so on my own. I don't dare give up in any way for even a second. I think you would be lost, and you may be lost anyway. Everything I do could be in vein. Even if that happens, if he turns you, and you are lost to me forever or even for a time, I'm still going to try. I'm still going to do everything I can't give up on you. My body will have to fail, it will have to literally become impossible. There is so much I need to do and do little time to do it. I have migraines every time you're gone. How am I supposed to use this time? It's insane. Having to see my father playing video games like a sick lost creep the entire time. So desperate to escape reality. I hate that you have to be around him, that we do, that he is one of your attachment figures. He drove a wedge between myself and my mother. It was a wedge she partly created and drove in too. I thought he was helping me. I didn't know the truth. He's sick and now you see it in every pore. 

I need to heal myself. I need to beat this. Or die trying. Horrible things happen to mothers and children everywhere and have been for how long.. as long as humans?

What can I share? Can I share the things about coercive control? Is it safe to? That's what's crazy. How you can be victimized and not able to protect yourself. Many have been unalived. Children and mothers. That's the reality we're dealing with. I have to be prepared. For anything you might do or say. At least I am armed with understanding. At least I understand what you're going through. What you're being put through. I'm sorry this is your father. I need to show you a better way, and show you that it is better. So you will not be lost. However long it takes. Hopefully not too long. It took me four years, as an adult, with my past and experience and understanding. I hope I can support you for it to not take as long.

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