A Survivor's Journey to Life

Today I feel like a mess, hard time regulating. I'm feeling like such a failure for you Nika. But I know I'm the best you've got. I'm the only one that is trying this hard. Literally. I am trying to get myself to see that. To stop beating myself up. To stop wasting my time judging myself against some impossible standard. I know I just need to be here for you. I know that's the most important. But I also need to fix myself, I need to heal, I need to change these patterns in me. It's going to take time, it's taking time. That's the reality. But I'm here for you. I'm here for you more than anyone ever was for me. Literally a stranger on the internet is why I am even the way I am. Why I even was able to start working on myself. Thank you Bernard Poolman. I might have unalived myself already years ago, when the years of chronic stress finally caught up to me. Thank you Time Fletcher for your work and your sharing of it.  These patterns stop here with ...

It's been a while. I don't even feel like I have the time now. I'm trying so hard. I'm crying, but tears aren't really coming at the same time. They are, but slowly. I've been holding on all day. It was a long busy day. Talked to the lawyer, Vanessa. God I hope we can keep paying her. I'm doing my best. No one should have to go through this. Some go through worse. I hope that we get through this. I say that because I don't control other's actions, namely, you father's. I just hope he keeps you safe, and returns you home. While I can't ever know for certain what he may or may not ultimately do, I think there are some factors that may be in our favor. Such as, he doesn't like to do much. He doesn't want to be full time responsible for a child. I'm doing as little as possible to feed any kind of reaction, I hope, I can't 100% know. But I do not engage. I worry a bit that I don't see him very much, just a few minutes at exchan...