Day 55

Nika, I don't think I'll ever be 'at peace' with what is happening. It's not fair, it's not right to you. Or me. How to even make sense of it? It doesn't make sense. 

In a way, I feel I am making some kind of peace with what I can't control. I'll never accept it, it'll never be ok. It's not real 'peace'. Maybe 'making peace with it' is not the way to put it. Maybe that's a phrase that just doesn't work. Because it often does imply acceptance. And I don't. I can't. I won't. I will always stand for change. I will always stand for what is best.

I will never stop changing myself, becoming better. Becoming the best version of myself possible. Stop blaming myself for the mess of the world. 

I feel like a failure because I don't know what you are feeling. I feel like I don't know how to help you or that I can't help how you need because I don't know exactly what you're experiencing. But it's not possible for me to 'fix' your experience. Or 'fix' your feelings. I'm here to support you with having them. You are going to have them, whatever they are and that's no one's fault. Good or bad or weird or sad or confused. Whatever it is. I'm here to help you get through as much as you need and no more than that. 

I know you will see the difference. If you don't, then you don't. It happens. It seems to happen when there is no connection to a safe person. I'm doing my best to be your safe person. I know that means being the best version of myself. So you can trust that I really CAN be there for you. That what I show you will actually support you. I trust in you. And I believe in you. And I will never give up. On me or you. As long as I am here I am here for you.

I worry that I could do better, that I'm not doing good enough. That I wasn't who or how you needed me to be when we have a call. That it's too painful for you and you want to get away, it's hard for me to see you and I can't be with you.

I try to not worry and remind myself that relationships are built over time. That we will build our relationship of support and understanding as long as we have the time to do so.

I'm sorry there is a strange woman there. I hope she is good to you. It's ok if you like her. I hope she is a 'nice' person and not sick like him. I know that all of this you are going to learn from. Even though you are only 2.5. It seems far too young and too early to learn these kinds of things. I never expected this to be my life. Or yours. I hope you don't ever regret being here. But if you do, I understand and it's your right to feel how you feel. You are wonderful beyond words. A whole life, fully you, and I will always seek to honor YOU for who you are the best I can.





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