Day 51

I need to empower myself. I feel like I have a long way to go. But maybe I've come a long way. I just found PRI last night, with a migraine. Logic would have said, lay down the phone and just stop. But I found this. Fuck logic. Things aren't such a straight line. 

I keep giving my power away. I desperately want to stop this, find the way to do it

The only 'healthy person' I have in my life is my therapist who I have to pay $40. It's a low moment. Nika, you started throwing things at me in the trampoline, expressing a hostility toward me, and I know not to take it personally. Knowing is one thing. Then my father creeps up behind the trampoline, and I say 'fuck off' and I get out of the trampoline. I didn't want to go away, at least, part of me felt like no don't leave, I should stay and be present in the face of whatever you are letting out. But I had a splitting headache, like a spear going through my head and neck, I had been extra inflamed all day, after a migraine all the night before into the morning. I have taken so many pain pills. I'm trying not to be worried about that. I just want the pain to stop. Now I'm crying and that surely won't help. Then I hear you ask my father to go 'see daddy' 'across the road' 'to the station' something like that. And I just feel awful. Like you don't want to be here, with me, with 'Dawn'/my father, and I'm crumbling, and I'm in so much pain, I'm so tired. The landlord came by today, talking about signing the lease since the current lease ends this month, but he's trying to sell the house. So now, I'm realizing I've wasted my time trying to make a garden, I feel like an idiot, trying to live yet again, and now have to face moving again. I'm so tired, I'm in so much pain. The thought of moving is crushing. I have to trust that someday, you will or might know or understand what I was going through at this time of your life, and why I was sad and having a hard time. 

At these low points, of such pain and so much burden and instability and just simply too much on my shoulders, which are already in constant pain, since 2015 more or less, I feel like, maybe it's best if I give you to your father as if he would want that, when he never wanted to care for you, wanted me to do everything, but maybe I can't do this, and it would be best to let you go, it's so hard to say this in words, to let you go, to give up essentially, and kill myself. End the pain. Take me out of the equation. Like, if I'm not going to make it anyway, if I can't support us anyway, if I'm going to be shit due to the pain and insanity and too much of it all, maybe I should give up. But then I remember how it was when I lived with your father, how I was a shell of a person and that is what started me feeling suicidal. That that was what drove me to leave, to hope there was a chance of support from my parents, to hope that it wouldn't be so bad, that it would at least be better than living with Adrian. 

I am in SO MUCH PAIN. Part of me imagines what if I couldn't take care of you, and you went to your dad, then maybe I could focus on healing. But you would be sacrificed, I can't do it. I can't pretend it wouldn't happen. I can't pretend he's not who he is. I have to keep going if there is any hope at all. Any chance of getting through this. 

I don't know if I will have a choice. It's really not totally up to me. I think that is the hard thing to accept. It depends on others. I depend on others. I am not in a position of security. If I let you go, would you be lost forever? I don't feel like I can take that chance. Like, wanting to think, if I just had time to heal, to develop an income for us, then take you back. I just don't think there would be a 'taking you back' if I ever 'gave you up'. Adrian, who he is is just, the worst. So vindictive, so spiteful, I don't think I could ever willingly make the mistake of 'giving you up' to him. I think, but you're not me, maybe you'll be different and you won't be affected by the abuse. Uh, no. You're a child, you are the utmost vulnerable, unable to defend or protect or even yet comprehend what is being done to you.

I just don't know how I can do anything other than keep trying to give you the best life. I don't know if I will succeed. I guess, I know I can't give you 'the perfect' life, a life free from any issues, any trauma. It's not up to me alone. But I can do my best, and that's it. If only we were all doing that. I don't regret you and you have every right to exist. I regret my life, and sometimes feel like my parents should never have had me. If you ever feel that way, I will understand. I'm sorry. I'm doing my best to validate myself and to heal, so that you don't have to feel these things I feel, or think these things. 

If Adrian is that lost, I know you could not go through that unscathed. I know that in a lot of ways, I am your best bet. All you've got. But I'm so hurting. I'm sorry I can't be the mother and the person I want to be for you right now. But I'm doing my best. Hang on through the lows. Trust that it gets better, someday. And if it does, it will all be worth it. I don't know what I'm going to have to do, what pain I'm going to have to go through. But if there's a way, I'm going to find it. I want nothing more than to be here to support you, be the one person in your life who might validate you, always be there to support you, always there for a hug, who you actually would want a hug from. What I wish I had. I have to constantly remind myself (and/or be painfully reminded) that my mother is not such a person. She is incapable, or in not going to ever so may as well be incapable. She is so twisted, it's how she is and isn't going to change. My father is just as comforting. I can't stand even the thought of him touching me in any way. The brush of a leg, can't handle it. I don't want you growing up around this. 

I don't want this to become your normal. I don't know what choice I have. It's either me or no one. But I have to get us away from toxic people. I feel so stuck. But I'll never give up. Unless I really can't take the pain. If I ever do unalive myself, just know, the pain was too much, I could not function anymore.

I love you so much Nika. I just want to be a mother to you. Have a healthy life with you. It's like a nightmare that you are here and so wonderful and I am like this. I know most of the time it's good though. Or at least, not so bad. I don't know. It's hard to see clearly at times like this. And lately I have been trying to keep busy and find a way to make money. I'm so driven by the survival point and our need for an income and financial security, to not be beholden and stuck to these sick toxic people. So I can actually heal, and we can have a good life ad you not be poisoned by this toxicity. I don't know what to do. It seems so impossible. Your father claims he can't support himself, so obviously he can't support you. I have to stop shitting on myself. I'm really not as bad as I think and feel I am. I need to heal from this toxic shame and unworthiness. For you especially. I miss you.