A Survivor's Journey to Life

Nika, if I'm still around if/when you have a child, and if I'm capable, I will do everything I can to support YOU to support YOUR BABY, to have the BEST possible. Whatever it is that is needed. Hold your crying baby for as long as you need to shower, even if they cry the whole time. And whether they cry or not, I will do my absolute best to maintain my peace, my warmth, my nurturing passion and put that into my expression toward and for your child. I will hold them gently and firmly, make reassuring sounds, tune in to them and try to do whatever seems to make THEM feel better. How about patting your head? Don't like it? I won't do it.  I will be there for you Nika, to the best of my ability. And this means being here for you now and always. Being a capable human being to the best of my ability and maintaining my capability to the best of my ability. No matter what happens, I'll never 'let myself go' because I know, you ALWAYS need me.  I don't know if I...

 I'm crying now. I'm remembering books that I read when I was younger, or rather, remembering the 'places they took me to'. And the way that I felt. The longing. It's like they answered a longing I didn't even understand. For adventure, for resilience, for a connection to the earth, for a sense of agency and freedom. Things that didn't exist in my real life. An escape from the misery. How can I bring that sense of wonder here, I wonder? In a way it gives me hope for you Nika, that no matter what happens, your spark is always there, your need is always there, and can always be kindled, nurtured, awakened. What were the books? Thomas Covenant, Eagle and the Sword, Dragonbone chair, maybe others, but these I remember now the most. I would love to 'go there' but they don't exist. In reality, it's that I want to 'feel that way'. I want to feel what I felt while inside those stories. The exhilaration. The purpose, the clarity, the passion, ...

I need to empower myself. I feel like I have a long way to go. But maybe I've come a long way. I just found PRI last night, with a migraine. Logic would have said, lay down the phone and just stop. But I found this. Fuck logic. Things aren't such a straight line.  I keep giving my power away. I desperately want to stop this, find the way to do it The only 'healthy person' I have in my life is my therapist who I have to pay $40. It's a low moment. Nika, you started throwing things at me in the trampoline, expressing a hostility toward me, and I know not to take it personally. Knowing is one thing. Then my father creeps up behind the trampoline, and I say 'fuck off' and I get out of the trampoline. I didn't want to go away, at least, part of me felt like no don't leave, I should stay and be present in the face of whatever you are letting out. But I had a splitting headache, like a spear going through my head and neck, I had been extra inflamed all day,...