Day 58

 On this world of bullshit and manipulation. I'm here. I'm here with you. I see what's happening. I've seen it all before. I went through it with no one. You have me and you always will. I will make sure of that.

Going through the gut cramps and bowel evacuation from linden tea. Will never drink this stuff again. Honestly, I'm frustrated being urged to take these things and having tried it once and being sure there was a very valid reason I stopped taking it. But I let the doubt of not being totally sure creep in as I was being urged to please try these things again. Well I did, and now after everything and within everything we're going through, now I have had horrible gut cramps and gut evacuation beyond what you'd expect to get from just an herbal tea generally considered mild. And you have a tummy ache too. Not fun. Will never drink this stuff again. I'm so tired. How much gut difficulty do I have to go through? I write about this because these are the things you forget later, the details, of just every little thing that was going on that was adding up to being pretty debilitating. Why is life like this? Does it get better? I sure hope so. My life has been filled with so much pain, discomfort and disfunction. I hope it's better for you. A lot better. 

We need to get out of here. Eventually. We need our freedom. We need to live life on our own terms. It's not fair that we should be tied to an abusive person, who motives behind everything are selfish. Who has no regard for the harm he causes to others, and rather relishes in it. Good luck with that. You have had tools and support available to you but you have made your decision. But we shouldn't suffer for it.

Nika doesn't deserve this. She will possibly always mourn the father she never had, whether he's in her life or not. He's never going to be a healthy good father. He's never going to be a healthy good person. That's his choice. I can't do anything about that. But I can do whatever I can to support us to be as free and healthy as possible. We shouldn't have to suffer for the actions of someone else. 

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