A Survivor's Journey to Life

 Right now I'm just so short on time. It won't always be this way, it's just the month from hell. I wish I had more time to write to remember all the details, but I hope I'll remember what's important. I'm trying to take even just a moment to remind myself that this will end, that things will slow down a little, within a few weeks even. This is the last two drop off/pick up weekend at 10am. The next couple weeks will be rough. The last month, or two? Or 60.. Have been rough. I must remember things won't always be this way. But this Friday, I will be making the last bus ride to pick up the car, and meeting with Vanessa to discuss the criminal case. Somehow I have to try to prepare.. And certainly I will have a massive headache after that. I would just with the bus ride and drive home alone. But with discussing the criminal case and dredging that up, and all the feelings related to that.. It's going to suck. But I have to get through it. I will have to see...

 Nika, I'm so sorry. It's a really hard time. The effects of the visitations and recent change in the schedule are horrible. Not sleeping a night through, waking up screaming, clawing, scratching, kicking. It has literally started after the first visitation since the new schedule, and every night since. I am so tired. Last night was especially short sleep and you have been more clumsy than usual, three falls in ways that usually don't happen. Tomorrow is Friday and then we are up early again Saturday and Sunday, every Saturday and Sunday this month. Why. To 'get you ready for the overnights'? Insanity. Stupidity. Sneered at by an adult when I advocated for your developmental needs. And no one said anything. No one else advocating for you. What a world. What human beings. And then after this onslaught of a month, starts the overnights. Only twice a month, but suddenly going from 7 hour long visits to 28 hours visits. Insanity. There is no way for you to be prepared f...

Childcare is very hard and demanding. There's no doubt about that. Often a mother doesn't get a break. We usually don't have a village, or even a supportive partner who is with us 50/50, or each of us giving 100%, put another way. If my daughter had another safe adult who she wanted to spend more time with, that would be fine, if that's what's best for her development. Spend time around other family members who will nurture and enrich her life. And mom can have a break. If that was the case, then that would be wonderful. If she does not have such a safe adult or adults, then she needs me and I'm here for her. Just like so many mothers, who aren't getting breaks, and the 'married single mothers' who have partners that participate less or not at all.  It's not ideal. But we do what we have to do. For the children. Even in the case of other safe, trusted caregivers, the mother is still often the most needed. It is a simple reality and is the design ...