Day 43

 Nika, I'm so sorry. It's a really hard time. The effects of the visitations and recent change in the schedule are horrible. Not sleeping a night through, waking up screaming, clawing, scratching, kicking. It has literally started after the first visitation since the new schedule, and every night since. I am so tired. Last night was especially short sleep and you have been more clumsy than usual, three falls in ways that usually don't happen.

Tomorrow is Friday and then we are up early again Saturday and Sunday, every Saturday and Sunday this month. Why. To 'get you ready for the overnights'? Insanity. Stupidity. Sneered at by an adult when I advocated for your developmental needs. And no one said anything. No one else advocating for you. What a world. What human beings.

And then after this onslaught of a month, starts the overnights. Only twice a month, but suddenly going from 7 hour long visits to 28 hours visits. Insanity. There is no way for you to be prepared for this. There is no way for you to be 'ready' for this. This is broken adults who were broken as children now passing it forward and breaking you. And me. I have to be here for you as much as I can. You need me as much now as ever. And I'm so tired. 

I'm sorry he is your father Nika. I'm so sorry. You don't deserve this. I didn't know how bad it would get. I didn't know it would be like this and we would be so stuck, trapped, in this nightmare. 

But at least you are here. You are not a mistake. You are amazing, you are wonderful, you deserve life. It doesn't matter what has come before, what you've come from, who you've come from. At least it shouldn't. And I know that's what I have to walk to make sure that is true. If I can't undo these patterns that I loathe from my own parents, how can I expect or support you with the same?

There is more than me at play, and I'm not responsible for that. I'm responsible for myself and what I'm able to do, with the hand I've been dealt. Period. We will get through this however we get through this. It won't be perfect, but it will be the best we can do.

After this month, it will be only twice per month. At least there is that. I could never want this for you though, or try to tell myself it won't be that bad, or as bad as it is going to be. I'm already surprised by how bad it is already. I really didn't know that it would be like this already. Every night, the screaming. The extra volatility for days after. The effects are so obvious. 

You were not like this before. But I'm clear. I'm clear in where this comes from. It's clear as day now. 



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