A Survivor's Journey to Life

You don't abuse someone to make them be a good person Nothing you can do makes you 'deserve' to be abused Abuse never makes sense or is justified as a response to anything Abuse never is a solution Not even for murderers Abuse would do nothing to fix or change that Just stopping them from murdering Abuse is what someone does to control your behavior To get what they want from you at your expense Abuse is never valid To anyone being abused, been abused, have yet to realize and accept they're being abused, It's not your fault It's not anything you did It's not a reflection on you It's not because you are bad You don't deserve it It is a choice the other makes They choose to treat you that way They choose to abuse to get what they want Nothing makes them do this Trauma doesn't make you do this Trauma makes you traumatized It doesn't make you decide to abuse others That is a personal choice Where one decided, I'm going to abuse others Because...

 I just want to make it, I imagine us being 'free', we've found a way to be on our own, and then we take time to just do whatever the hell we want, to decompress from the toxic patterns we've been exposed to almost a year now, me almost a lifetime, plus the abusive relationships in between. When do you get to heal?  When I imagine this, I then feel very bummed, because we seem so far from that, it seems impossible. To have a house of our own? Where will we even get land? It's thousands of dollars. For even just .14 acres. How. I can't worry about it. But then I feel like I'm being delusional to still hope. I guess it's possible, somehow to just get enough money. To do all the things. But then I tell myself it's not possible without ruining your life, without ruining Nika's childhood. But it has to be. I think others have done it. Found a way. If anyone can do it, I can, right? The property sale. Maybe. If I had some land, I'd have something p...

 We are going to have the life we deserve to live. Either we will or we won't, either way I will keep working toward that no matter what. What else is there?  It would be amazing if he continues this pattern of never showing up. Amazing. I would give up any child support if I could be guaranteed he'd leave us alone completely and forever. It's such a major distraction and source of stress in our lives. Every two weeks. Disrupts for many days, several days leading up, unsure what's going to happen. Never knowing until the last minute. What is going to happen in July when overnights are allowed. I hope it doesn't happen. Just like unsupervised hasn't happened yet. I need to be able to focus on moving our lives forward.  I will keep focusing on this, on creating a life for us. Deal with whatever comes. What happens with the property settlement? He can't live there anymore.. does he stay in Panama? Does he move to Volcan? Does he stay in Boquete? Does he go back...

 A blueberry farmer? I don't want to be that person, who started a big agriculture business and brought jobs (low paying) to the indigenous population. Or do I? Could I use a business to transform the economy? Like I had wanted to do? Equality Corp?  Why do I keep looking for a sign of what I'm supposed to do? Looking for something that will make me feel like, yes of course, this is the thing.  I'm so tired. I get zero time to think about things. So little time. It's so scattered. My mom brain is scattered.  There is a tropical blueberry species apparently. But how do I find it, and it sounds like it doesn't lend itself to cultivation. But does that preclude small scale production? It might. Like most blueberries people grow in the US are hybrids. Nobody's growing wild blueberries for sale. If I did they'd probably have to be expensive. But for personal production, I'd be interested. And maybe that would lead to something. I don't know. I worry that ...

 I don't know what's happening to me. Am I getting better? Am I getting worse? I usually feel like I'm getting worse. I worry about dying suddenly. I worry about what will happen to Nika. But, ok. I have to consider that I have gotten better since the onset of the pain. At least, I think I have. Yes, I have. Because there were times where I couldn't even move. I had to lay on the couch for hours in agonizing pain. I had massive IBS issues where my gut was flaring up after everything I ate. I think that started when my dad came out to me as being trans. I missed three days of work my gut was so bad. Dan didn't help. He didn't validate my feelings at all. Anyway. I think that made it worse, and I never really got to go through the grieving process that I needed to. How the hell am I supposed to find thirty minutes every day to lie on the floor flat on my back, and time to do the other exercises, that are supposed to be part of my treatment to heal my chronic pain?...