Day 54

I'm going through a lot right now, being in the process of moving, not quite finished, nowhere near settled in. Body aching tremendously from the physical demands of constantly moving, moving things, going, going, going. And it's an overnight visit. It still hurts and I don't think it ever won't. Not knowing what is happening for her. I have to remind myself there was no other way. I could not have stayed. He would never in a million years have 'worked things out amicably' as he has claimed. I've had enough of his gaslighting. When you lie that much it doesn't matter if you tell the truth. There's no way to risk believing you. You make it dangerous to trust and believe you. There was no way I could have stayed, having lost my job, being so burnt out in every way. Barely getting through the day. Nika would have no real joy. She would have a burnt out badly treated mother struggling to care for her, and a manipulative, controlling and abusive father. Um no. This is 'better' by far.

But it is hard. Trying to be an example of being brave and making the best, but it's also hard. Some things are a 'downgrade', or feel that way. I have feelings like I'm doing worse, I'm failing, fears that she will see me as a loser, see our life as 'not as good', but we're a long way from that. What matters is how you feel. Do you feel free to be yourself? Do you feel loved as you are? Loved completely with no strings attached? Feel you have someone walking with you, to comfort you, to guide you, not control you? Who will protect you when it matters?

I strive to be these things for you Nika. I love you so much. I will do this. I will make it. For you, for me, for everyone. 

I will be the example of not sweating over the things I can't change, always focus on what I can. How can I make things better? What feels better? How can I be better? Not judge or blame myself for the things I can't change. It's hard. I'm so tired, so tired of moving, of instability. When will I have stability? What if I don't ever? I can't worry about it. I have to live stability in the best ways that I can. Self stability. I have to become this no matter what. 

I won't give up. Working on myself, it's all there is. And I know that you will have a better chance to 'go farther'. You won't have to wait so long to learn what I have had to the hard way, going into it so blindly. You won't be blind. You will see what is here. I will do my best to nurture and honor your seeing, your trust in yourself and your own voice, your connection with and as yourself to be tuned in to what you feel, to be able to identify it, and protect yourself in this world that often attacks vulnerability.

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