A Survivor's Journey to Life

The psychologist who evaluated me who was assigned by the legal system claimed I was 'unaffected by the abuse' of my coercively controlling ex. This is what 'not affected' looks like: I have nightmares several times a week, memories pop up and I experience stress and anxiety. High anxiety, stress, depression, hopelessness. I feel trapped, my future and my life are ruined, how can I protect my child, how will I make it. Fear all day. What's going to happen in the future, what's he going to do to hurt and punish me. What's he going to do to our daughter.  Constant feeling like I'm a failure, my life is ruined, how could this happen to me. Is something wrong with me, what did I do to deserve this? I doubt myself and whether I can make it. It feels so impossible. I can't trust anyone anymore. I experience anxiety around men of any age. Even worry that my family members, my parents, maybe I can't trust them. The professionals who are helping me, what ...

 Nika, I am glad you are born at this time. I am glad I was born at the time I was and not before, because even though things are really bad, it's also the 'best' it's ever been. There is so much potential in this reality. I'm not ready to give up on this potential. On MY potential. On YOUR potential. On OUR potential. I have had to 'give up' on some individual's potential, but not so much a giving up, as a walking away, because they had given up on their potential.  I don't want to go through the pain of watching you suffer. Though, I won't be there for some of it. I hope he has a shred of humanity, of decency, of real love and care for you Nika, not to do this to you.  I don't know what he'll say to you, but I know that he will. He's already projected it onto me. He has no conscience, he has no morality. I don't even know if that's the best way to put it. It's more like he does have a conscience and morality, except it...

I have to get through this. There is no other way. I have to get through this and I will. I see the future, I see the potential, I see what is possible. I fear that I am positively bullshitting myself. Like what if I tell myself it's going to be alright, and then it really isn't. And I will regret having fooled myself. Unbelievable the lies. It's a shock to hear the lies they tell about you, about themselves.  There isn't much time to change the visitation. The stress I am in every day is agonizing. There is no way she won't be traumatized if he takes her away overnight, let alone for more than a few hours. That's all she's done. To go from a up to 4 hours to up to 28 hours, it's insane. There's no way. Would he do it? And the travel time.. I wouldn't think he would want to do that, to have to travel with her for so long. I don't want her to learn at this early in life that you have no power, there are people who will take you and don't c...