A Survivor's Journey to Life

 It's pretty hard, every day, being triggered. Seeing my former father do and say things to you that remind me of how I was treated by them when I was a child. It's incredibly triggering. I feel anger, frustration, rage, irritation, annoyance, sadness, powerlessness, helplessness, hopelessness, anguish, despair. I grieve for myself as a child and what I went through with no one standing with me. No one to speak up for me. It's the only saving grace I have, in these moments, is at least you have me. I am here, an adult, who can speak for you and advocate for you. But it's not easy, because I have to break through all this conditioning that was done to me before I could understand. I have to see it, identify it, identify what is going on, why it's not ok, what to do instead. And usually that's after the moment has passed, after the initial triggering emotions have somewhat settled and I'm able to look at the point in detail. Once I've accepted that it'...

They literally deformed my feet, and neither one of them has said anything about it. Anything. I had to figure it out for myself. How disgusting is that denial. I will own my decisions and my responsibility. I will tell my daughter anything she wants to know about her life. Her childhood. Whatever I remember, and I do my best to remember it all. I care about her so much. I care about her so much that it's like the care and love I should have had as a child rolled into how much I care about her. I have to care for the both of us now, and sometimes it's really too much. More than one can bear. More than one should bear. Everything about life is more than one should bear. And it's been designed this way. And the gas-lighting along the way is fierce. 'What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.' Please. Look at us human beings. We are anything but 'stronger'. We grow weaker and weaker and more diseased and now it's children already developing diseases, y...

 I'm not going to worry too much about timelines at this point, but rather just go with what's here at the moment and it will all get out eventually. I would like to talk to Adrian's mother, Dorothy. I would love to hear her side of the story. For four years, I heard almost nothing good about her. Every time Adrian talked about her and shared an experience he had how he remembered it, it was always very one-sided. There was never ANY consideration of her as an individual human being, and what she may have been going through, or what her motivations may have been for the choices she made. I had a hard time seeing Adrian as this total victim as he portrayed it to be, because I know that there is always another side, another person involved, and their entire makeup of who they are, their experiences, their resources and examples that have influenced them in life, their preferences, their physical makeup, injuries, relationships with other total individual human beings..  There...

Some posts will be private and maybe some will be public. I am using this blog as a catharsis for me, for my healing, and also for my daughter. So that whatever happens, she will have 'my side' of events. She will have a window into my experience, that maybe will help her to make sense of some things in the future, since she is so young now.  There is so much to say I don't even know where to start, nor feel like I really have the time to do this how I would really like. But I just know that I have to do what I can. In the time I have. I hope I get to be around for a very long time. Nika, you are 21 months old, and I am 42, 43 in less than one month. I hope I get to be here for you for as long as you need me. I hope I get to see what a wonderful grown woman you will become. And I hope that I will have been able to do whatever I can to give you some kind of security in this life.  There is one more supervised visit this month for New Year's Eve. Then one week later, the ...