Day 52

 I'm crying now. I'm remembering books that I read when I was younger, or rather, remembering the 'places they took me to'. And the way that I felt. The longing. It's like they answered a longing I didn't even understand. For adventure, for resilience, for a connection to the earth, for a sense of agency and freedom. Things that didn't exist in my real life. An escape from the misery. How can I bring that sense of wonder here, I wonder?

In a way it gives me hope for you Nika, that no matter what happens, your spark is always there, your need is always there, and can always be kindled, nurtured, awakened.

What were the books? Thomas Covenant, Eagle and the Sword, Dragonbone chair, maybe others, but these I remember now the most.

I would love to 'go there' but they don't exist. In reality, it's that I want to 'feel that way'. I want to feel what I felt while inside those stories. The exhilaration. The purpose, the clarity, the passion, the fully aliveness.

It's also the way I felt in therapy with Sayllin, when she guided me to discover/create my 'happy place' for EMDR. It was as if every crooked and pained part of my body was simply gone. I was released. I was free, powerful, ready, and at peace.

I want to cultivate this and learn from this. How can we make reality support these feelings? Dealing with the negative. The disease that corrupts our natural ease. It is uncovering what is here. Unburdening. Healing. Nurturing. What else is there? 

Is my desire to grow plants really my desire to feel that growth? That amazing expression of life expanding and reaching out, breathing and embracing the earth. Everything is about feeling. Our real feeling. Not the feelings as the energetic emotions in our mind that take us away from ourselves here and our actual experience. Imposing biomechanical experiences on top of what is here. We must first get through that ill-usion to get to what is real. We must heal.


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