A Survivor's Journey to Life

 I'm losing it right now. I'm in so much pain. Realizing that the evil mother fuckers in this world don't suffer as much. Because they are selfish as hell and raise others to be servants for them so they don't have to suffer as much and the 'good' people are the ones who suffer. No wonder they choose to be the evil ones, because who wants to be the good one who suffers. Piece of shit. Ok. I think I am coming to the point where I can 'feel nothing' for them. Feel no pity. Why would I pity the assholes who sacrifice others. I just want them to not be a part of existence anymore. I don't care about torture. I don't care about revenge. I don't care about justice which seems to be another word for revenge. I just want you gone. Out. GTFO. Bye. You don't deserve to be here. Because you damage here. You make it shit for everyone. None of us have to suffer you dumb dumb. But you gotta keep it going. Keep down the ones who want to stand for someth...

 I worry about how I can do this. How I can be the best mom for Nika yet I suffer so much with this chronic pain, it makes everything so hard. Is there hope? Can I heal? Why am I going through this? I don't get it. How my parents didn't have it this bad. They didn't go through this horrible chronic pain, and they still were terrible parents. Here I am, trying so hard, yet so limited. It just doesn't seem to make sense. Like, what did I do to deserve this? I think the only way to look at it that makes it make sense is to take a step back and look at it more distantly. It's not what I did as an individual alone to cause this. It doesn't work that way. I think it's yet another veil of the gaslighting we are all under. Everything is your fault. You exist alone in a bubble.  But I came into this world a vulnerable child just like everyone else. And I was molded and groomed by force. I had no choice. I had no way out. No respite. No relief. I was alone with my cap...

 Tens of thousands of dollars. Hours of stress and bullshit. Getting evidence and going through old documents and records and emails. Do you think I would do this for fun? Who would think I would do this frivolously? I wish I had a choice to do this in another way.  I did not want to go through the legal system. In this world? That could make things worse. What choice did I have? If you think I had a choice you better listen to the facts and then see what I was dealing with. You know what I would have liked? So much? What I wanted so badly? To Just. Walk. Away. But. When you have had a child with someone that choice pretty much goes away. It doesn't have to, but it's going to depend on the other parent. And if they're the abusive type, they're not going to agree to let you walk away with their child. Oh no. They WANT that child. That child is THEIRS. They are the biological parent which means they OWN that child. They have a RIGHT to that child.  If you are not an abusi...

 What do I want to show Nika? This is one thing to ask myself. Like, in the things that come up, the things I feel, the things I wish I could do and express, I ask myself, what will serve Nika best, for how to deal with such situations herself. Like living with my dad. Every day I hate it. I wake up and it's like, he's still here, he's still the way he is, I still have to deal with all of this, face another day of all these patterns, for what little help I get.  I want to freak out, lose it, tell him off, but I know that won't serve us now, and I don't think it will serve Nika if she's ever (god forbid) in a similar situation. When I consider what she might benefit most from, is to not stress about it as much as possible, accept reality as it is (meaning don't be in conflict with it, generating added stress) but simply do what you can to use the situation to an overall benefit, as beneficial an outcome as possible. And just focus on other things. Don't f...

 I hate how much time he wastes. Sits there and scrolls. Does nothing for the future. Had one job for twenty years and gets a pension. Had basically two other jobs? Doesn't make sense. Leaves the lights on. Doesn't cook or clean. I just want to get out of here. So condescending. I'm so tired of being triggered every damn day by things he does and says. The cigarette smoking. So sad I grew up with that. Never apologizes for anything that matters. For anything that I speak about. Only as a knee-jerk reaction in moments where he perceives he might be 'in trouble'/did something 'wrong'. Sits and sits and sits there. On his phone. Good lord. He sat there like that with the dog and literally called it 'bonding'. OMFG. Huffs and puffs doing something minimal after sitting and sitting. I'm like, are you in pain? Does it actually feel bad? Or it's just something you don't 'want' to do? How is he not in pain every day all day like me? With ...

 Nika, my goal is that you know that you can always tell me if I am doing something that is not good for you, that I will hear you and consider your words and I will change whatever I can and whatever is needed so that you are considered and what is best for you is considered and honored in my actions. But my goal is that you don't ever need to tell me. If you need to tell me, shame on me. I will do my best to be self responsible and proactive in ensuring that I am considering you as I would want to be considered. It's hard to see my parent sit on the couch and surf their phone for so long, then huff and puff after getting out a container of strawberries. It's hard being in so much pain and doing so much day in and day out, taking responsibility for a fully grown adult who lives an entitled life of almost never doing any housework and letting it all fall on me 99.9%. My own parent. How do you justify to yourself eating the meals I make and you never contribute? Never cook, ...

Nothing changes who he is Nothing that happens, nothing he does, changes that He is who he is and the outcome is the same Either he changes and changes his behavior to not be a problem Or he doesn't change at all/gets worse and Nika may have to experience some abuse, but in the end she'll see who he is and I'll trust her to make a decision on how to set her boundaries to protect herself. She will see who is who and who I have been to her and that is what will matter. And I will always be here for her to help her navigate any experiences she has, and do my best to support her to feel and have her own agency in all things in her life as much as possible. Her decisions need to be her decisions. Her boundaries have to be her boundaries. Her agency has to be her agency. If she ever wants me to decide something for her, then that can be her decision, and I can decide what to do in that situation. I will trust her to let me know when she is ready to take ownership of something and...

 I finally realized something. Yet another thing to stop ruminating about. Another way to 'give myself closure', the closure you will never get from the self-interested persons in your life. Wanting thinking wondering how to explain, how to get them to see, like, if I could just get them to understand... but no, they understand. Living with the person who was formerly my father, who doesn't cook, at all, I have felt like I want them to know and understand how much this is a burden on me. The meals they eat that I cook only go half as far, I have to cook twice as often, do dishes twice as often. TWICE. That's a LOT. DOUBLE. Because they don't contribute.  I have wanted to ask why, just wanting to understand how they can do this. They roll their eyes when I talk about my mother wanting me to cook and clean for her. But it's the same with them, they just don't say it out loud. I find myself whispering to myself mentally 'asshole', just like my mother us...

 I gotta find ways to not snap. I gotta find ways to deal with this. He sits there and scrolls and scrolls and scrolls through.. nothing.. random garbage.. uranus blah blah.. meanwhile every moment I have is working on the court cases, being there for Nika, cooking, cleaning, trying to figure out how to make an income, breastfeeding, diaper changing, educating myself about parenting, looking up recipes and trying to find ways to make meals prep better, preparing myself for what could happen in my potential 'co-parenting' nightmare, trying to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of qigong everyday to see if it will help with my chronic pain.  The only thing I do for myself is occasionally listen to a few songs, like once in a couple weeks, and I got a pole. But this isn't random garbage entertainment. This is also to be part of my healing process. To help me build fluidity, grace, flexibility. Things I need more of in my life. Especially if I'm going to be a 'high value lady...

 There's so many things that annoy the hell out of me. I'm so tired of having to be around these patterns. I'm trying so hard to change myself and then to be inundated with these exact patterns I'm trying to change, holy hell. I find myself repeating the things they say, things I never said before since you were born, since before they came here. And it pisses me off so much. I'm trying so hard. Does he try? Not without me basically impulsing it. Fucking exhausting, and I HATE myself everytime a phrase or mannerism slips out before I can catch it. There's no point to this. I need to be in my own space to change. This is too much. I'm already overwhelmed as a single parent. To have another grown adult living with me in the same space and doing literally zero cooking, I have never once seen them or seen any indication that they have used the stove. Not even one time. Oh, except today when the power was out and they boiled water for coffee. And they almost don...

 Nika, I'm gonna be honest. I hope you won't be angry at me for this. This is just my thoughts right now. I know I can't really do this.   I feel so desperate about the money situation. Things keep happening, more money has to be spent. This time it's a scratch on the rental car. $350. Dawn says it was there when they picked it up. But it wasn't on the paper. The psychologist, it's 5 payments of $220 for 12 sessions. I thought it would be split up over more time. But she asked for $220 at the first visit and at the second. We don't know have enough to pay the fee for the citizenship certificate. I feel sick.  There's just no way in hell I can come up with any significant sum of money real fast. Not that I know of. The psychologist is going to work with me to develop an income here. But how long is that going to take? To start a business.. it can take years for it to start making money.  My thoughts turn to.. if I could give you up for adoption.. then I c...

 There is so much to do, and everything takes me away from you Nika. It's not right. It should be criminal. For a father to not care about their child. To be spiteful and malicious. He has to lie egregiously. I only have to tell the truth. He has to make up lies to make me sound bad. Why? Because I WAS NOT BAD. I did nothing wrong. I am and have been a human being doing my best, and I have not ever acted out of deliberate intent to abuse. He cannot say the same.   To have followed me and taken pictures of me carrying my daughter, to claim that I have no chronic injuries, no chronic pain, is beyond disgusting. I live in pain every day, for years. He was there when a Dr. diagnosed some of my injuries. He knows full well I have injuries and experience chronic pain. Now I have to collect evidence of pain that is mostly invisble. But I have to trust that the members of the court will be able to see that they are not doctors, they are not a reputable source on what I experience...

 None of this makes sense. But it is specific. None of this should be happening. None of it is necessary. And when we realize that, it will end.  I don't have an answer for the abusers in the world, other than, when we stop accepting and allowing abuse and hold abusers accountable, what 'side' do you want to be on? Do you want to take responsibility for yourself and change yourself proactively, or do you want to be stopped?  You decide.  But it's inevitable. We are standing up. We are becoming aware. We are moving beyond the illusion. Seeing through the gaslighting we have been inundated with since we were born. It's over. It will still take some time, but I can't say how much, things can move very fast once a critical mass is reached. Already we are seeing more divorce initiated by women. No more abuse. I would rather be alone raising children than be abused, then watch them be abused.  I guess I wouldn't have come to this point if I hadn't gone through...

 He said many times, we should stay home to be there for our child. And then he would spend all day from the morning into night working on projects. It wasn't work with a deadline. She would ask for him and cry for him several times throughout the day and he would straight up ignore her. It was painful to witness. It was cruel and unnecessary to do to your child, as the father, to your baby. There was time, there was no need to ignore her. There was time for her. Even just a few minutes here and there. It was not more important than connecting with his child. I guess it was to him. That's how little he cared. His needs were always the most important, the only important needs. Anyone else's needs did not matter at all to him. But yet you had to always consider his needs.   He was already training her, as a baby: 'I pay attention to you when I feel like it, I don't care what your needs are. I will ignore your needs and there's nothing you can do. I will ignore you...

 I feel like I want to cry all the time. But it's also a bit hard to. I also feel like I really need to keep it together. For what is ahead. I have no idea. But maybe I do. But also I don't.  In a few days, it is the first unsupervised visitation opportunity. I have to call it an 'opportunity' and not simply a 'visitation' so I don't have to accept it as something concrete in my mind, like, there's the possibility that it won't happen. Maybe he'll be sick, or whatever reason, any, ANY reason, he won't show.  I am starting to accept or realize that what I am experiencing and what SO MANY others are experiencing, is really our existential process that we are going through as humanity. The process where we face ourselves (or not, as in the case of abusers for the most part) and decide what we will accept or allow. What is me and what is not me. I am not this abuse. I am NOT coercive control. Until here, no further.  The fact that this potential ...