Day 16

 What do I want to show Nika? This is one thing to ask myself. Like, in the things that come up, the things I feel, the things I wish I could do and express, I ask myself, what will serve Nika best, for how to deal with such situations herself. Like living with my dad. Every day I hate it. I wake up and it's like, he's still here, he's still the way he is, I still have to deal with all of this, face another day of all these patterns, for what little help I get. 

I want to freak out, lose it, tell him off, but I know that won't serve us now, and I don't think it will serve Nika if she's ever (god forbid) in a similar situation.

When I consider what she might benefit most from, is to not stress about it as much as possible, accept reality as it is (meaning don't be in conflict with it, generating added stress) but simply do what you can to use the situation to an overall benefit, as beneficial an outcome as possible. And just focus on other things. Don't focus so much on what I can't change, and how I need to change it RIGHT NOW. Because I can't. If I could, I would, just change it. But I can't and that's why it's frustrating. All I can do is change myself. Change what I'm doing, what I'm focusing on. Don't let this be the drain that it is. 

Also I found talking to myself helpful today. Talking to myself as though I was talking to someone else, like Nika, as though I'm observing the situation. I found this to be helpful in giving myself the perspectives that I would see and give for someone not in the situation. It helps me consider what to do without being clouded by the situation and how I'm experiencing it. And also to validate my feelings. Like, yes, this is hard. It does suck. I wish you could change this right now. Here's what we could do instead. Maybe I'll go focus on building my website, and on how I'll build our house for us.

Keep building our life however possible. Work on my passions, find a way for us. While I have this opportunity.

Step one, validate what I'm feeling. Often, I am stuck in feeling like they will never validate or recognize what I'm experiencing. They won't. They 'can't'. Because that would make them 'guilty'. And they don't want to feel guilty, because then they would feel like they cannot be accepted as they are and that would mean changing. They don't want to do the work to change. So they do everything to avoid the guilt. They think as long as they can convince YOU they didn't do anything, they are not guilty. But, they don't realize that they are only convincing themselves that they have convinced you. Because they do know the truth, they know the reality, no matter how deep down it is buried, it is here. You can't escape it, you can only try to bury it, and then it's just buried, but it's still there. 

So, I will never get validation from them. I have to give it to myself. The words I need and want to hear. I have to be my own parent. Reparent myself. Too late but not too late. I don't have a choice. For Nika. 

I won't doom her to a shitty life as I was. I never asked for it, I never deserved it. I was vulnerable and it was modeled for me. I had to learn the hard way and now I suffer every day. I struggle to have joy in my life. Not Nika. 

Validate my feelings. Help myself find what I can do or want to do, to feel better, in order to let go of the thing that I can't do or have that I believe would make me feel better.