Day 11

 I gotta find ways to not snap. I gotta find ways to deal with this. He sits there and scrolls and scrolls and scrolls through.. nothing.. random garbage.. uranus blah blah.. meanwhile every moment I have is working on the court cases, being there for Nika, cooking, cleaning, trying to figure out how to make an income, breastfeeding, diaper changing, educating myself about parenting, looking up recipes and trying to find ways to make meals prep better, preparing myself for what could happen in my potential 'co-parenting' nightmare, trying to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of qigong everyday to see if it will help with my chronic pain. 

The only thing I do for myself is occasionally listen to a few songs, like once in a couple weeks, and I got a pole. But this isn't random garbage entertainment. This is also to be part of my healing process. To help me build fluidity, grace, flexibility. Things I need more of in my life. Especially if I'm going to be a 'high value lady'. I know if I always look like a broke ass dumpy frump I'll never make the money I need to. Well, I don't know that. Maybe there's a way to do it where it doesn't matter what I look like. But I don't know, and I'm going to try whatever I can, from every angle that might help. If I have grace and strength, I can try to make dance videos. Any ways that I can create content. I don't think it's going to work not looking like I have put intention into my appearance. Even if it's just for the video.

My father looks horrible. Like he has done the absolute bare minimum to care for himself for a long time. He seems to go through life like a victim, like things just 'happen to you', poor health 'happens to you', bad posture 'happens to you'. Not saying that isn't true to some extent, the life you have to live, the things you have to do can shape you physically for sure. But when you actively decide to give in, really lean in, to laziness, inactivity, zoning-out, vegging-out, sitting and sitting and sitting, and don't even try to do anything to support your body.. you got what you created. You reap what you sow. 

It's hard to be around this. To see someone's lack of self care so manifested. It doesn't look good. And I feel like it's a manifestation of who he is within himself, very withdrawn, self flagellating, without boundaries. Without a point of direction or leadership. No initiative. Mostly not proactive. Waits for orders, otherwise just sits. And sits. And sits. 

 I grew with this example and I took on the patterns of laziness myself. Hiding and running away into books four hours and hours and hours to the detriment of my body and my posture. I had no idea what was happening. Though I did have some concern. When my body would start to ache or hurt after sitting too long in one position. So I'd adjust, so I could continue. Reading and reading. Trying to escape my horrible reality that was my home life. I didn't understand how posture works or the long term consequences and how the longer it accumulates the harder it gets to correct it. Some changes become permanent. I will never allow myself to get that stuck. The chronic pain onset was a catalyst. Why doesn't he have chronic pain like that? He's so hunched. It just doesn't make sense to me.

I want to be everything for Nika that I wish I had. A source to learn how to live as a human being, in ways that serve me. How to cook, clean, grow food, raise animals, build things, repair things, how to make money. The real life skills we need. I'm trying. I'm doing my best. I want this pain to stop. I want to feel good and alive again. Like I have a chance again. It feels like my chance at a real, boundless, limitless, pain-free life is gone. I don't know if this is true, it just seems to be, it's my reality everyday for a long time now. Except when I was pregnant. Maybe I will get a second chance with that someday?

I would love to give Nika a sibling, if it's not too soon so her time isn't compromised. And if I can handle it physically. Maybe when she's 5-7ish.. it could happen. I was 41 when she was born. I would be 46-48. It's possible. If it makes sense. If I was in a good enough position, I don't even need to have a partner. Just a donor. But we'll see. It's other things to focus on right now. I now it would sting to think about how long I might not be around for their life, but does that justify to not bring them into the world, to have their own life? Especially if I make it into a position where they can have a really good life? And hopefully learn from me by example of what the world could be like if there was equality?

Anyway, I like to have goals, have hope, something to look forward to, to aim for, but then you let it go, and focus on the day to day. Check back in once in a while with your goals. I need to manifest the life I want to have. All of it. Live it like it's here. Like there is no other life for me.

The question is how do I do this? The question/quest I am walking.