Day 12

 I finally realized something. Yet another thing to stop ruminating about. Another way to 'give myself closure', the closure you will never get from the self-interested persons in your life.

Wanting thinking wondering how to explain, how to get them to see, like, if I could just get them to understand... but no, they understand.

Living with the person who was formerly my father, who doesn't cook, at all, I have felt like I want them to know and understand how much this is a burden on me. The meals they eat that I cook only go half as far, I have to cook twice as often, do dishes twice as often. TWICE. That's a LOT. DOUBLE. Because they don't contribute. 

I have wanted to ask why, just wanting to understand how they can do this. They roll their eyes when I talk about my mother wanting me to cook and clean for her. But it's the same with them, they just don't say it out loud. I find myself whispering to myself mentally 'asshole', just like my mother used to do under her breath when they were still married and we all lived under the same roof.

But finally I realized why. Why they don't cook. It's this. It's because it's work. And they don't want to do it. It's work that they don't want to do. That's it. No need to explain that it's work. They KNOW THIS. That's why they don't do it. They don't care or have justified to themselves in some way that it's ok for them to not do it, even though it puts more of the burden of the thing they don't want to do at all onto someone else. If that's not the definition of an asshole, I don't know what is. Something that shits and doesn't wipe itself?

But this is like letting someone else wipe your ass. Maybe someday you'll be in a position to need someone to do that. But I don't think I'm going to feel so compelled if I've already been doing it for years while you were actually still capable of doing it yourself. This is not engendering a desire to give. Because you are not reciprocating. My efforts go into a black hole. 

Financial support shouldn't mean I now become your slave. If I'm working for you it needs to be stipulated. We need a contract and agreed upon salary. But even then, is this good for my future? And as a parent, do you care about that?

That's what stings the most. The lack of care. It's there in some ways. But it's very limited. Anytime I bring something up, he becomes cold, silent, and withdraws. Depending on my level of anger and frustration, he may become defensive and start saying things that are unbelievably selfish and cold without seeming to realize it. I'm treated like I'm the bad guy for bringing things up. There is never ever any 'sorry, I didn't realize that affected you that way' or anything along those lines. Never a 'owning-up' and taking responsibility and caring to make amends.