A Survivor's Journey to Life

 Right now I'm just so short on time. It won't always be this way, it's just the month from hell. I wish I had more time to write to remember all the details, but I hope I'll remember what's important. I'm trying to take even just a moment to remind myself that this will end, that things will slow down a little, within a few weeks even. This is the last two drop off/pick up weekend at 10am. The next couple weeks will be rough. The last month, or two? Or 60.. Have been rough. I must remember things won't always be this way. But this Friday, I will be making the last bus ride to pick up the car, and meeting with Vanessa to discuss the criminal case. Somehow I have to try to prepare.. And certainly I will have a massive headache after that. I would just with the bus ride and drive home alone. But with discussing the criminal case and dredging that up, and all the feelings related to that.. It's going to suck. But I have to get through it. I will have to see...

 Nika, I'm so sorry. It's a really hard time. The effects of the visitations and recent change in the schedule are horrible. Not sleeping a night through, waking up screaming, clawing, scratching, kicking. It has literally started after the first visitation since the new schedule, and every night since. I am so tired. Last night was especially short sleep and you have been more clumsy than usual, three falls in ways that usually don't happen. Tomorrow is Friday and then we are up early again Saturday and Sunday, every Saturday and Sunday this month. Why. To 'get you ready for the overnights'? Insanity. Stupidity. Sneered at by an adult when I advocated for your developmental needs. And no one said anything. No one else advocating for you. What a world. What human beings. And then after this onslaught of a month, starts the overnights. Only twice a month, but suddenly going from 7 hour long visits to 28 hours visits. Insanity. There is no way for you to be prepared f...

Childcare is very hard and demanding. There's no doubt about that. Often a mother doesn't get a break. We usually don't have a village, or even a supportive partner who is with us 50/50, or each of us giving 100%, put another way. If my daughter had another safe adult who she wanted to spend more time with, that would be fine, if that's what's best for her development. Spend time around other family members who will nurture and enrich her life. And mom can have a break. If that was the case, then that would be wonderful. If she does not have such a safe adult or adults, then she needs me and I'm here for her. Just like so many mothers, who aren't getting breaks, and the 'married single mothers' who have partners that participate less or not at all.  It's not ideal. But we do what we have to do. For the children. Even in the case of other safe, trusted caregivers, the mother is still often the most needed. It is a simple reality and is the design ...

The psychologist who evaluated me who was assigned by the legal system claimed I was 'unaffected by the abuse' of my coercively controlling ex. This is what 'not affected' looks like: I have nightmares several times a week, memories pop up and I experience stress and anxiety. High anxiety, stress, depression, hopelessness. I feel trapped, my future and my life are ruined, how can I protect my child, how will I make it. Fear all day. What's going to happen in the future, what's he going to do to hurt and punish me. What's he going to do to our daughter.  Constant feeling like I'm a failure, my life is ruined, how could this happen to me. Is something wrong with me, what did I do to deserve this? I doubt myself and whether I can make it. It feels so impossible. I can't trust anyone anymore. I experience anxiety around men of any age. Even worry that my family members, my parents, maybe I can't trust them. The professionals who are helping me, what ...

 Nika, I am glad you are born at this time. I am glad I was born at the time I was and not before, because even though things are really bad, it's also the 'best' it's ever been. There is so much potential in this reality. I'm not ready to give up on this potential. On MY potential. On YOUR potential. On OUR potential. I have had to 'give up' on some individual's potential, but not so much a giving up, as a walking away, because they had given up on their potential.  I don't want to go through the pain of watching you suffer. Though, I won't be there for some of it. I hope he has a shred of humanity, of decency, of real love and care for you Nika, not to do this to you.  I don't know what he'll say to you, but I know that he will. He's already projected it onto me. He has no conscience, he has no morality. I don't even know if that's the best way to put it. It's more like he does have a conscience and morality, except it...

I have to get through this. There is no other way. I have to get through this and I will. I see the future, I see the potential, I see what is possible. I fear that I am positively bullshitting myself. Like what if I tell myself it's going to be alright, and then it really isn't. And I will regret having fooled myself. Unbelievable the lies. It's a shock to hear the lies they tell about you, about themselves.  There isn't much time to change the visitation. The stress I am in every day is agonizing. There is no way she won't be traumatized if he takes her away overnight, let alone for more than a few hours. That's all she's done. To go from a up to 4 hours to up to 28 hours, it's insane. There's no way. Would he do it? And the travel time.. I wouldn't think he would want to do that, to have to travel with her for so long. I don't want her to learn at this early in life that you have no power, there are people who will take you and don't c...

Who/How would I be/live do: If custody wasn't an issue If legal actions weren't an issue If anxiety every other week wasn't an issue If I feel he had no power to affect me or Nika If I was sure he couldn't do anything to affect her custody If I was sure he couldn't do anything to permanently damage her If I was sure we could come through anything unscathed If I was confident in my ability to support her and myself and see us both through anything If I was sure she would never be a victim of sa If I was sure we couldn't be harmed, that we can live as we like and not be punished or abused for it What if all these things are true, what if they really aren't an issue How would I live What would or wouldn't I be concerned about I wouldn't be so stressed, I wouldn't be so tired. If I could finally stop, focusing on all the court bs. I'd probably have less headaches. From the difficulty eating from the stress. I would feel more chill all the time. L...