Day 40

 Nika, I am glad you are born at this time. I am glad I was born at the time I was and not before, because even though things are really bad, it's also the 'best' it's ever been. There is so much potential in this reality. I'm not ready to give up on this potential. On MY potential. On YOUR potential. On OUR potential. I have had to 'give up' on some individual's potential, but not so much a giving up, as a walking away, because they had given up on their potential. 

I don't want to go through the pain of watching you suffer. Though, I won't be there for some of it. I hope he has a shred of humanity, of decency, of real love and care for you Nika, not to do this to you. 

I don't know what he'll say to you, but I know that he will. He's already projected it onto me. He has no conscience, he has no morality. I don't even know if that's the best way to put it. It's more like he does have a conscience and morality, except it's bad. It's to do bad. To do whatever, everything and anything he wants, that lets him feel in power, in control, dominant, not a victims, because he's an ultimate victim.

I think I have to face the fact that since there is only 5 weeks now, it's unlikely I'll be able to change the agreement before the change in schedule starts. These processes always take time. I will keep moving as fast as I can, because the time does matter. To Nika most of all. She will be the most impacted by all of this. By how it affects her, how it affects me.

The pain I am in, I don't wish this on anyone. 

I know what I have to do. I have to focus on this as much as possible, how to support my daughter. I don't want to go through this. I don't accept it. But I have to accept reality that I'm unable to change and do my best to work with what is here. How to support my daughter through this, through the horrible things they do. I have to find a way to bring this forward for all those who need, not just my daughter. SO many are in need.




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