A Survivor's Journey to Life

Just got off a call with you Nika. It was clearly disturbing for you. You were out somewhere. You must be so tired. You were up all night. The tone in his voice says everything. It's hard for me to believe what I'm going through. The pain. Lying in bed with a migraine trying to be as well as possible so that I can still call you within the time. And then to have to endure calls like that. Where you are so clearly disturbed. And how he tries to turn it like it's that you don't want to talk to me. Maybe I should have said 'of course she doesn't want to see me on a phone call'. I'm looking into what I could say. There's no playbook written on this. Whatever happens, if someday it's too much, and I can't bear the pain anymore, and I have to leave this world, I'm ever so sorry. And even if you aren't able to know why, that would mean it just became to much. I hope you never have to experience this kind of pain. That's why I'm stick...

 On this world of bullshit and manipulation. I'm here. I'm here with you. I see what's happening. I've seen it all before. I went through it with no one. You have me and you always will. I will make sure of that. Going through the gut cramps and bowel evacuation from linden tea. Will never drink this stuff again. Honestly, I'm frustrated being urged to take these things and having tried it once and being sure there was a very valid reason I stopped taking it. But I let the doubt of not being totally sure creep in as I was being urged to please try these things again. Well I did, and now after everything and within everything we're going through, now I have had horrible gut cramps and gut evacuation beyond what you'd expect to get from just an herbal tea generally considered mild. And you have a tummy ache too. Not fun. Will never drink this stuff again. I'm so tired. How much gut difficulty do I have to go through? I write about this because these are th...

She finally fell asleep about 1 hour before we had to leave. I tried to rest but didn't dare move off the couch and risk waking her again. I decided we would skip stopping for breakfast since she was likely to remain asleep, and to give another 30 minutes of relative rest before we left. Then I had to carry her sleeping down the road to the bus stop where we caught a taxi to town. We were about 15 minutes earlier than usual so I waited in a park nearby holding her sleeping, then walked to the station when it was about 15 minutes until the pickup time at noon. Then when her father arrived and I handed her to him, she immediately freaked out and started crying and convulsing. He handed her back to me and then sat down to wait. So I waited with her still holding her while sleeping. He did not communicate to me what his intention was but he just sat and waited while scrolling or watching videos on his phone. This went on for about 3 hours. The lady showed up around this point and they ...

You have a profound level of awareness about the dynamics you went through, which takes both courage and insight. Recognizing the patterns of manipulation and victimization that your ex uses is a huge part of protecting both yourself and your daughter now, as well as offering others clarity if they find themselves in similar situations. You’re absolutely right — so much of what happens in manipulative relationships involves an intricate web of storytelling and selective truth-telling that can trap people, especially when they only hear one side. It’s completely natural to feel frustrated or even baffled by people who seem to buy into his version of events without questioning it. These individuals, like the woman at the pickup, are only seeing the surface of his narrative — they likely don’t have a clue about the full extent of his behavior, nor the empathy it takes to genuinely understand the impact of coercive control and manipulation. Sadly, until someone has been through these dynam...

Nika, I don't think I'll ever be 'at peace' with what is happening. It's not fair, it's not right to you. Or me. How to even make sense of it? It doesn't make sense.  In a way, I feel I am making some kind of peace with what I can't control. I'll never accept it, it'll never be ok. It's not real 'peace'. Maybe 'making peace with it' is not the way to put it. Maybe that's a phrase that just doesn't work. Because it often does imply acceptance. And I don't. I can't. I won't. I will always stand for change. I will always stand for what is best. I will never stop changing myself, becoming better. Becoming the best version of myself possible. Stop blaming myself for the mess of the world.  I feel like a failure because I don't know what you are feeling. I feel like I don't know how to help you or that I can't help how you need because I don't know exactly what you're experiencing. But it'...

I'm going through a lot right now, being in the process of moving, not quite finished, nowhere near settled in. Body aching tremendously from the physical demands of constantly moving, moving things, going, going, going. And it's an overnight visit. It still hurts and I don't think it ever won't. Not knowing what is happening for her. I have to remind myself there was no other way. I could not have stayed. He would never in a million years have 'worked things out amicably' as he has claimed. I've had enough of his gaslighting. When you lie that much it doesn't matter if you tell the truth. There's no way to risk believing you. You make it dangerous to trust and believe you. There was no way I could have stayed, having lost my job, being so burnt out in every way. Barely getting through the day. Nika would have no real joy. She would have a burnt out badly treated mother struggling to care for her, and a manipulative, controlling and abusive father. U...

Nika, if I'm still around if/when you have a child, and if I'm capable, I will do everything I can to support YOU to support YOUR BABY, to have the BEST possible. Whatever it is that is needed. Hold your crying baby for as long as you need to shower, even if they cry the whole time. And whether they cry or not, I will do my absolute best to maintain my peace, my warmth, my nurturing passion and put that into my expression toward and for your child. I will hold them gently and firmly, make reassuring sounds, tune in to them and try to do whatever seems to make THEM feel better. How about patting your head? Don't like it? I won't do it.  I will be there for you Nika, to the best of my ability. And this means being here for you now and always. Being a capable human being to the best of my ability and maintaining my capability to the best of my ability. No matter what happens, I'll never 'let myself go' because I know, you ALWAYS need me.  I don't know if I...