A Survivor's Journey to Life

Nika, I don't think I'll ever be 'at peace' with what is happening. It's not fair, it's not right to you. Or me. How to even make sense of it? It doesn't make sense.  In a way, I feel I am making some kind of peace with what I can't control. I'll never accept it, it'll never be ok. It's not real 'peace'. Maybe 'making peace with it' is not the way to put it. Maybe that's a phrase that just doesn't work. Because it often does imply acceptance. And I don't. I can't. I won't. I will always stand for change. I will always stand for what is best. I will never stop changing myself, becoming better. Becoming the best version of myself possible. Stop blaming myself for the mess of the world.  I feel like a failure because I don't know what you are feeling. I feel like I don't know how to help you or that I can't help how you need because I don't know exactly what you're experiencing. But it'...

I'm going through a lot right now, being in the process of moving, not quite finished, nowhere near settled in. Body aching tremendously from the physical demands of constantly moving, moving things, going, going, going. And it's an overnight visit. It still hurts and I don't think it ever won't. Not knowing what is happening for her. I have to remind myself there was no other way. I could not have stayed. He would never in a million years have 'worked things out amicably' as he has claimed. I've had enough of his gaslighting. When you lie that much it doesn't matter if you tell the truth. There's no way to risk believing you. You make it dangerous to trust and believe you. There was no way I could have stayed, having lost my job, being so burnt out in every way. Barely getting through the day. Nika would have no real joy. She would have a burnt out badly treated mother struggling to care for her, and a manipulative, controlling and abusive father. U...

Nika, if I'm still around if/when you have a child, and if I'm capable, I will do everything I can to support YOU to support YOUR BABY, to have the BEST possible. Whatever it is that is needed. Hold your crying baby for as long as you need to shower, even if they cry the whole time. And whether they cry or not, I will do my absolute best to maintain my peace, my warmth, my nurturing passion and put that into my expression toward and for your child. I will hold them gently and firmly, make reassuring sounds, tune in to them and try to do whatever seems to make THEM feel better. How about patting your head? Don't like it? I won't do it.  I will be there for you Nika, to the best of my ability. And this means being here for you now and always. Being a capable human being to the best of my ability and maintaining my capability to the best of my ability. No matter what happens, I'll never 'let myself go' because I know, you ALWAYS need me.  I don't know if I...

 I'm crying now. I'm remembering books that I read when I was younger, or rather, remembering the 'places they took me to'. And the way that I felt. The longing. It's like they answered a longing I didn't even understand. For adventure, for resilience, for a connection to the earth, for a sense of agency and freedom. Things that didn't exist in my real life. An escape from the misery. How can I bring that sense of wonder here, I wonder? In a way it gives me hope for you Nika, that no matter what happens, your spark is always there, your need is always there, and can always be kindled, nurtured, awakened. What were the books? Thomas Covenant, Eagle and the Sword, Dragonbone chair, maybe others, but these I remember now the most. I would love to 'go there' but they don't exist. In reality, it's that I want to 'feel that way'. I want to feel what I felt while inside those stories. The exhilaration. The purpose, the clarity, the passion, ...

I need to empower myself. I feel like I have a long way to go. But maybe I've come a long way. I just found PRI last night, with a migraine. Logic would have said, lay down the phone and just stop. But I found this. Fuck logic. Things aren't such a straight line.  I keep giving my power away. I desperately want to stop this, find the way to do it The only 'healthy person' I have in my life is my therapist who I have to pay $40. It's a low moment. Nika, you started throwing things at me in the trampoline, expressing a hostility toward me, and I know not to take it personally. Knowing is one thing. Then my father creeps up behind the trampoline, and I say 'fuck off' and I get out of the trampoline. I didn't want to go away, at least, part of me felt like no don't leave, I should stay and be present in the face of whatever you are letting out. But I had a splitting headache, like a spear going through my head and neck, I had been extra inflamed all day,...

Today I feel like a mess, hard time regulating. I'm feeling like such a failure for you Nika. But I know I'm the best you've got. I'm the only one that is trying this hard. Literally. I am trying to get myself to see that. To stop beating myself up. To stop wasting my time judging myself against some impossible standard. I know I just need to be here for you. I know that's the most important. But I also need to fix myself, I need to heal, I need to change these patterns in me. It's going to take time, it's taking time. That's the reality. But I'm here for you. I'm here for you more than anyone ever was for me. Literally a stranger on the internet is why I am even the way I am. Why I even was able to start working on myself. Thank you Bernard Poolman. I might have unalived myself already years ago, when the years of chronic stress finally caught up to me. Thank you Time Fletcher for your work and your sharing of it.  These patterns stop here with ...

It's been a while. I don't even feel like I have the time now. I'm trying so hard. I'm crying, but tears aren't really coming at the same time. They are, but slowly. I've been holding on all day. It was a long busy day. Talked to the lawyer, Vanessa. God I hope we can keep paying her. I'm doing my best. No one should have to go through this. Some go through worse. I hope that we get through this. I say that because I don't control other's actions, namely, you father's. I just hope he keeps you safe, and returns you home. While I can't ever know for certain what he may or may not ultimately do, I think there are some factors that may be in our favor. Such as, he doesn't like to do much. He doesn't want to be full time responsible for a child. I'm doing as little as possible to feed any kind of reaction, I hope, I can't 100% know. But I do not engage. I worry a bit that I don't see him very much, just a few minutes at exchan...