A Survivor's Journey to Life

The psychologist who evaluated me who was assigned by the legal system claimed I was 'unaffected by the abuse' of my coercively controlling ex. This is what 'not affected' looks like: I have nightmares several times a week, memories pop up and I experience stress and anxiety. High anxiety, stress, depression, hopelessness. I feel trapped, my future and my life are ruined, how can I protect my child, how will I make it. Fear all day. What's going to happen in the future, what's he going to do to hurt and punish me. What's he going to do to our daughter.  Constant feeling like I'm a failure, my life is ruined, how could this happen to me. Is something wrong with me, what did I do to deserve this? I doubt myself and whether I can make it. It feels so impossible. I can't trust anyone anymore. I experience anxiety around men of any age. Even worry that my family members, my parents, maybe I can't trust them. The professionals who are helping me, what ...

 Nika, I am glad you are born at this time. I am glad I was born at the time I was and not before, because even though things are really bad, it's also the 'best' it's ever been. There is so much potential in this reality. I'm not ready to give up on this potential. On MY potential. On YOUR potential. On OUR potential. I have had to 'give up' on some individual's potential, but not so much a giving up, as a walking away, because they had given up on their potential.  I don't want to go through the pain of watching you suffer. Though, I won't be there for some of it. I hope he has a shred of humanity, of decency, of real love and care for you Nika, not to do this to you.  I don't know what he'll say to you, but I know that he will. He's already projected it onto me. He has no conscience, he has no morality. I don't even know if that's the best way to put it. It's more like he does have a conscience and morality, except it...

I have to get through this. There is no other way. I have to get through this and I will. I see the future, I see the potential, I see what is possible. I fear that I am positively bullshitting myself. Like what if I tell myself it's going to be alright, and then it really isn't. And I will regret having fooled myself. Unbelievable the lies. It's a shock to hear the lies they tell about you, about themselves.  There isn't much time to change the visitation. The stress I am in every day is agonizing. There is no way she won't be traumatized if he takes her away overnight, let alone for more than a few hours. That's all she's done. To go from a up to 4 hours to up to 28 hours, it's insane. There's no way. Would he do it? And the travel time.. I wouldn't think he would want to do that, to have to travel with her for so long. I don't want her to learn at this early in life that you have no power, there are people who will take you and don't c...

Who/How would I be/live do: If custody wasn't an issue If legal actions weren't an issue If anxiety every other week wasn't an issue If I feel he had no power to affect me or Nika If I was sure he couldn't do anything to affect her custody If I was sure he couldn't do anything to permanently damage her If I was sure we could come through anything unscathed If I was confident in my ability to support her and myself and see us both through anything If I was sure she would never be a victim of sa If I was sure we couldn't be harmed, that we can live as we like and not be punished or abused for it What if all these things are true, what if they really aren't an issue How would I live What would or wouldn't I be concerned about I wouldn't be so stressed, I wouldn't be so tired. If I could finally stop, focusing on all the court bs. I'd probably have less headaches. From the difficulty eating from the stress. I would feel more chill all the time. L...

I live with an evil robot. I live with an evil robot. I live with an evil robot. My dad, is an evil robot. He is not going to change. Stop hoping for that. He is an evil robot. He is programmed. I can have some limited impact. But it will always take me managing it in the moment. He is not going to take responsibility for his behavior. He's just not. He's just not. The world is full of evil robots. The mediator is an evil robot. Luis is an evil robot. Identifying the evil robots. Identifying the real human beings. Is this the way to help me cope? So that I don't take it personally anymore?

 I don't know that I can ever forgive my father. For sitting there on his phone for hours. Because he won't stop smoking around my daughter. His behaviors are the most toxic shit. My goal is to get away. To not need support. I mean, you know, that doesn't really make sense. Because you would always want to know that you had support should you need it. But support like this, can go fuck itself.  I will always be there for Nika. I want to always be a place of support that she knows she has available to her. She doesn't deserve this neglect and neither did/do I. My goal is to get financially independent but be able to keep and maintain the important bond with Nika, and care for her. No small order. I know whatever I do, it will take consistent regular action. It makes me sick the people in my life and in this world who don't take responsibility. I don't want to have to tolerate them anymore. They don't deserve it. If you want people in your life you need to not...

This situation is impossible. And that's why it's a tool for abuse. Chronic pain, financial insecurity, full responsibility of a small child. No village. One mostly male family member to contribute any help.  A migraine. Rescheduled to talk with the lady lawyer tomorrow. Time is short. I don't even know if she does family law. I don't know if we can afford Paulo or any more legal processes. A mother who can but doesn't want to support. She has always hated me, and loved me in a conditional way. I'm grateful for the support she's provided. Where would I be without that. But what I'm going through with both of my parents is far too similar to what I went through with Adrian. The main difference is they're not verbally using me as a punching bag to that extent. My mom threatens abandonment. My dad's grooming behaviors make me sick every day, his defensiveness that he's done nothing wrong and lack of self reflection, or the care to change when he...