Day 36

 I don't know that I can ever forgive my father. For sitting there on his phone for hours. Because he won't stop smoking around my daughter. His behaviors are the most toxic shit. My goal is to get away. To not need support. I mean, you know, that doesn't really make sense. Because you would always want to know that you had support should you need it. But support like this, can go fuck itself. 

I will always be there for Nika. I want to always be a place of support that she knows she has available to her. She doesn't deserve this neglect and neither did/do I.

My goal is to get financially independent but be able to keep and maintain the important bond with Nika, and care for her. No small order. I know whatever I do, it will take consistent regular action. It makes me sick the people in my life and in this world who don't take responsibility. I don't want to have to tolerate them anymore. They don't deserve it. If you want people in your life you need to not be a piece of shit person. If you want to live in a dingy ashtray, please do so. But I don't. Please be an insignificant part of me life.

I'm so sorry, Nika. I know you need consistent people who are in your life and don't disappear. I have had disappearing people and now I have practically no one. The legacy of moving around. And anti-social parents.

I just need to do whatever it takes to get us out of here, and find our tribe, and hopefully it happens before there is nothing left of me. If I could get treatment, open a bank account. It would mean a lot. 



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