Day 35

This situation is impossible. And that's why it's a tool for abuse. Chronic pain, financial insecurity, full responsibility of a small child. No village. One mostly male family member to contribute any help. 

A migraine. Rescheduled to talk with the lady lawyer tomorrow. Time is short. I don't even know if she does family law. I don't know if we can afford Paulo or any more legal processes. A mother who can but doesn't want to support. She has always hated me, and loved me in a conditional way. I'm grateful for the support she's provided. Where would I be without that. But what I'm going through with both of my parents is far too similar to what I went through with Adrian. The main difference is they're not verbally using me as a punching bag to that extent. My mom threatens abandonment. My dad's grooming behaviors make me sick every day, his defensiveness that he's done nothing wrong and lack of self reflection, or the care to change when he's been told now many times the negative impact of his behaviors. 

Message from Larry that I've nearly forgotten and probably just will. Gross. Ok yeah, you're a good guy, sure. No, can't do it anymore. How dare you, there's no valid excuse for putting your had across my chest. You're a sick piece of shit but sure let's pretend otherwise, I wouldn't want to disappointment all my male overlords by seeming to not be niceness incarnate. Barf. Again, thanks for all your help. It never was an excuse or justification or gave you any right to violate me. Eff off forever, ciao, bye.

Kristina, reaching out, then silence after I responded. Sunette, brief chat, arranged a chat with my daughter next day, then silence. I try to tell myself they have their own things going on, but I'm done making excuses for others. I hope everyone does well. That's all. We should all be doing well so there is less disfunction in the world and our relationships. 

Every time I hear my dad groan as he's doing dishes. Thanks for doing dishes, can you try to not sound like it's literally killing you. It must be so hard with all that male entitlement and years of never doing dishes, my mom telling me you and David would leave dishes in the sink and she's do them, and you're separated, for years now. Barf. And you're so quick to roll your eyes at her. like she's the only one who negatively impacted my childhood, as if your behavior didn't contribute to her behavior, or effect me directly.

I want to tell myself I'll find a way through all this, and I will, find a way. It will be the best way possible. That's the best I can do.




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