Day 30

For my adult life, I was always caught between not enough time and not enough money to be able to do anything. I desperately wanted and tried to live the things I was passionate about, like gardening and sewing and painting and drawing.

But I never could really go into those things. You need time and resources. I either had neither, or one but not the other. If I had money, I had no time, and didn't really have enough money either. I never consistently had enough money to just even meet my own needs. Irreducible needs. So I also had a lot of health problems which effected my ability and capacity to do things.

I had gotten into the best position I'd ever been in, but still couldn't cover my needs alone, not enough to live well. I was paying down debts from all the treatments I needed to try when my chronic pain manifested in 2015. But I was about to have paid it all off in another 3 months. Then I would have had an extra $1000 every month. But I was still struggling to hold that job. With the chronic pain I was going through. I felt stuck, I couldn't get out from under that pain. I was desperate to end that job. The plan was to go back to school to get a degree, to have a career. If I did that, I would never have that extra $1000. But I was dying. What choice did I have. 

Then Adrian comes along, we seem to have an amazing connection. He's a 'destonian' apparently. Been with the group for over ten years, just like me. Been doing SRA, was still doing it when we met I believe. He seemed like the cool guy I'd been looking for. Not too serious, knows how to chill, his perceived confidence seems to imply that he's capable and responsible. With a soft romantic side, more intimate than anyone I'd ever known. How was I to know that was all a lie? An act? All of it. Everything a cover to hide the dark side, which is the true side. 

But before I knew that, I thought, this is it. I did it. I found someone to walk with me, support each other in our processes to change and take self responsibility for who we are. Who wanted to share a life with me, who knew of my situation and my chronic pain and everything I'd been through, and he wanted me. I told him everything about my situation so there would be nothing hidden, just like had been suggested by Bernard. To come along with him on this new journey of exploring Panama and finding a new place to call home, I we would both likely be out of work for a time until we got established. My savings wouldn't be enough. He offered to support me. He said we would live off of savings while we found land and developed the property. Once it was developed, we could grow food and offer rental accommodations. This had been what I was wanting to do for many years already. A sound way to make a living and have a dignified life. It seemed like everything was lining up. 

The problem was, I didn't know that all of it was a lie. Why on earth would someone lie to that extent? About what their goals are, their intentions? Don't they know that won't lead to a good result in the end? Because if you're not aligned with your goals and your values, someone or both are not going to want to continue with the relationship, right? But that is why he lies, because no one is going to want to live with his true values and goals. His only 'option' in that sense, is to lie. Is to mislead you and see how long he can keep that up, while doing whatever he can to make it difficult for you to leave.

It took me almost four years to finally learn about these behavior patterns enough to recognize what is really going on, and that he's never going to change, and likely never intended to. During that four years, it felt like I had gone back in time to the worst moments of poverty I'd ever experienced. Not having any money, no way to get any money, being able to do literally nothing. He smoked pot and played videos games, or watched youtube, for the majority of the time. I didn't understand what was happening, how someone could waste so much time and not be disturbed by that. I was losing my mind with nothing to do. I didn't want to smoke any pot, but I did, because I had nothing else to do. It was a way to stave off the hunger pains while waiting for when we'd have a next meal. And a way to be in the same mindset as him, so I wouldn't make the mistake of interacting with him normally, which would irritate him in his inebriated state. I was dependent on him, and he had already threatened to abandon me, one week after arriving in Panama. We decided to stay together, but from that moment I was afraid to 'upset' him, that he might abandon me again, and I would be on the street. I had nothing, no money, no friends, barely spoke the language, no car, no permanent residency in the country. About as vulnerable as you can be, not including having children. 

Even though he told me over and over that I didn't need to work, that we shouldn't work but rather focus our time on developing our property, I got a job anyway. I couldn't trust him to meet my needs despite him claiming he would. We had friends come live with us. 'Destonians' as well. They worked with us to work things out. They helped me get food until I got a job. Then I got the job and could buy my own food. Things seemed to be so much better. I had hope that this could work, I'd put so much into this already. I was so close to the dream I always had, wasn't I? To have land, to homestead. Except it was still next to impossible to do anything. Everything I did ended up being undone. Gardens I created were destroyed or taken over. It was like there was a secret enemy working against me the whole time. It was exactly like that. But it was subtle, it took me a while to realize it.

Having a child was really the turning point.