Day 26

 I am not fear. I will not give in and participate in the fears. I know already that if I do that, it's how they manifest. It's no mystery. I remember when I decided I wouldn't go into fear while driving. Because that's what my mother did when we got into the accidents. She didn't check for herself if the road was clear, she saw somebody wave to her and she just went. Didn't look. As soon as she realized there was a car coming from the other direction, she panicked. Didn't try to quickly get out of the way or into a better position or throw it in reverse, whatever. Pulled right out in front of the oncoming vehicles. Did she have a blind spot there from trauma? Was it a latent hatred or malice toward me? That blinded her to the danger that was aimed right at me in the passenger side? Did she already fear that she had ruined me that she made it true? 

She must have had a terrible time as a mother. With how she is and the circumstances. It's not an excuse, or pity. I wish things could have been different. I tried. But she couldn't, or wouldn't. She made her choice. Just like Adrian chose. To be less than their mind. To continue to act their anger out on another. 

I am not the anger that burns in me. I am not the anger that burns in us all. It is me, but I am not it. It is unacceptable. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to find 'the right outlet' in order to get the anger out otherwise I won't be able to get it out and I will keep 'losing it'. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it's the only way to stop having angry outbursts. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that my environment must change before I can change this anger pattern.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can't stop being angry as long as I am around my father. 

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see that it is me building the anger over and over through small or large moments throughout the day every day that is building my anger and I am merely using them as the excuse. Within this, I realize that just because they do things that are not supportive and do affect me and my daughter, it doesn't help to build anger toward that. It doesn't change anything, I only become the problem that is now causing harm while whatever they are doing is now out of focus and attention. I simply cannot make another to change. It's their choice. They will manifest and live the consequences they are creating as part of their own process. All I can do is take responsibility where possible, I can only do what I can. Nothing more nothing less, and what will be will be. I will do my best to work toward the best and greatest potential possible, even not knowing what that is or what I will be able to actually manifest. But I will not hold myself back within fears or limiting beliefs and become my own self fulfilling prophecy, or really to continue being a self fulfilling prophecy. I suppose I would like to be a Self-full-filling being in the sense of fulfilling myself and living to my greatest potential. Living what is in my heart, not as the organ in my chest so much as a part of myself where I hold safe the values that are most important to me. As my physical heart beats, what is it that truly matters to the beating heart? To the living being that lives and breathes and feels real feelings in oneness and equality? Not the energetic feelings of the mind system in separation.