Day 27

 He took you and left. In a car and didn't say where you were going. With some guy I don't recognize. It doesn't feel great. I'm doing my best to stay calm, and be ready for whenever you might be brought back. I hope you are ok. I hope you know that I am here for you. But I know you're just a child. You're just two years old. Barely talking. So much understanding and development yet to come. This makes no sense. I'm sorry Nika. I will never forget who he is. I will always see it. I won't be fooled anymore by appearance. He only fools himself and anyone else who believes him.

I will do whatever I can to ensure you come through this as best as possible. That's the best I can do. Some things I can't control. I am starting to want to break down, cry. But I can't yet. I need to be ready for you to come back. Anytime. And to not seem broken down. I don't know. Maybe it's good if he thinks he's hurt me. He'll feel like 'he's won'. I don't know. I don't know what is the best thing. I don't think it's possible to know because I don't know what will happen. I don't know what is happening. Maybe I should have put the sound device in your pocket. I forgot. Maybe tomorrow if this happens again. I don't know. I suspect it would be noticed and lost. 

I don't want to go down a long road of manipulation and stress and all the bullshit that a person like this will create, but I don't think I have a choice. All I want is to make it through. I wanted to have a life. I wouldn't call this having a life. I feel like I'm being punished. But what did I do? I don't want this but I know I can fight what is. But it's so hard. I know you are a child of life Nika. I know you don't belong to me, I don't own you. Your life is yours. I want you to know that and not ever feel or be conditioned to have to become what someone else wants. I heard something that sounded like a scream just now and my thought jumps to you. My lady. I'm here and I will be here.

You didn't ask to be born to this. I will always be here for you. I will never place a burden on your for your existence. I couldn't be more happy to have you here and be here for you. I suspect that he will say many horrid things about me while you are with him. I'm so sorry. You don't deserve to go through any of this. But you will see who he is eventually. You will see what's true. You are sensitive and aware. And I will do everything I can to support you. To see reality for yourself. I'm sorry if you will be gas-lit, threatened, insulted, all the the things done to me. I'm sorry. He will never be. I will always be here to validate you. To hear you. Whatever you need. I will not give up. No matter what.



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