Day 25

Nika, I'm so sorry. I know you're small and vulnerable, because you can't take care of yourself yet. And I know when a much larger adult acts intensely it can make you wonder if you are safe. I don't ever want you to worry about that. You should know that you're safe with me. You need to have someone safe you can trust.

I need to be that person. There is no one else. 

I have big feelings sometimes, but it doesn't mean I don't love you. I will always love you. And I'm working hard to find better ways to deal with my big feelings that aren't scary for you. It's ok to have big feelings, because sometimes life is too hard. Sometimes things really hurt, and this causes big feelings. It's not your fault. I will always love you no matter what feelings you have. And I will always do my best to keep you safe while you're having big feelings. 

I will always be here to walk with you through whatever you're going through. I'm sorry if there's moments where I'm also caught up in big feelings. I'm trying to get help however I can to find better ways to deal with my feelings so I can be there for you when you have big feelings. 

I'm sorry you spend so much time on the TV. I know the new place we were going to move to would probably have helped with that, with the big outdoors, and an orchard and gardens and dogs and chickens. It was a paradise. I'm so crushed that we didn't get it. Because of my father's smoking. Because they could set a boundary that I couldn't. I don't want to be around that smoke either, and if you end up smoking because of his influence, I will never forgive him. I will never forgive the influence it had on me. How could you do that to a child? How could you then do that to my daughter, you asshole. And you think you're a woman? You don't even give a shit about the development of a child. You don't cook or clean. 



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