A Survivor's Journey to Life

LET US LIVE LET US LIVE LET US LIVE WE HAVE THE RIGHT TO LIVE FREE FROM ABUSE WE HAVE THE RIGHT TO LIVE FREE FROM ABUSE YOU DO NOT HAVE THE RIGHT TO ABUSE US I WILL NOT ACCEPT YOUR ABUSE I WILL NOT ACCEPT YOUR ABUSE OF ME I WILL NOT ACCEPT YOUR ABUSE OF OUR DAUGHTER I WILL TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR WHATEVER I CAN DO TO STOP YOU AND PROTECT US LEAVE US ALONE LEAVE US ALONE LEAVE US ALONE YOU NEVER WILL YOU WILL NEVER STOP YOURSELF  WILL YOU? WILL YOU? WILL YOU ADRIAN BLACKBURN? WILL YOU ADRAIN BLACKBURN? WILL YOU EVER STOP? WILL YOU EVER CHANGE? WILL YOU NEVER CHANGE? WILL ONLY DEATH CHANGE YOU? WILL YOU WAIT UNTIL THEN?

 It feels like the last day. It feels like a death. It's a death of who we are before we'd never spent the night apart. Not since birth when we were apart two days. You don't know how something will go, but I am fairly certain this will be traumatic for me, and for her. I will have to support us best I can, whatever happens. I'm doing my best. My period is about to start, emotions are big. I suppose I can appreciate that maybe this will help with getting the emotions out, with getting in touch with how I really feel. But I need to keep it together. I suppose it's ok for me to look hurt. But not utterly broken. Will I cry at the station? Maybe. Would that be bad? In front of Adrian. Because then he'll know/think/believe he's hurt me. He'll feel like he 'won' and might feel emboldened to keep doing what he can to hurt me. But how much influence do I have over that really? I'll probably ask chatGPT.  I feel like I'm dead inside, like my guts...

 Everything right now is a mess. Period coming. No time to think. Leaving in the morning to go meet the lawyers. No time to prepare. No time to think. Nika's behavior more 'extra' than usual. All day. 

 Right now I'm just so short on time. It won't always be this way, it's just the month from hell. I wish I had more time to write to remember all the details, but I hope I'll remember what's important. I'm trying to take even just a moment to remind myself that this will end, that things will slow down a little, within a few weeks even. This is the last two drop off/pick up weekend at 10am. The next couple weeks will be rough. The last month, or two? Or 60.. Have been rough. I must remember things won't always be this way. But this Friday, I will be making the last bus ride to pick up the car, and meeting with Vanessa to discuss the criminal case. Somehow I have to try to prepare.. And certainly I will have a massive headache after that. I would just with the bus ride and drive home alone. But with discussing the criminal case and dredging that up, and all the feelings related to that.. It's going to suck. But I have to get through it. I will have to see...

 Nika, I'm so sorry. It's a really hard time. The effects of the visitations and recent change in the schedule are horrible. Not sleeping a night through, waking up screaming, clawing, scratching, kicking. It has literally started after the first visitation since the new schedule, and every night since. I am so tired. Last night was especially short sleep and you have been more clumsy than usual, three falls in ways that usually don't happen. Tomorrow is Friday and then we are up early again Saturday and Sunday, every Saturday and Sunday this month. Why. To 'get you ready for the overnights'? Insanity. Stupidity. Sneered at by an adult when I advocated for your developmental needs. And no one said anything. No one else advocating for you. What a world. What human beings. And then after this onslaught of a month, starts the overnights. Only twice a month, but suddenly going from 7 hour long visits to 28 hours visits. Insanity. There is no way for you to be prepared f...

Childcare is very hard and demanding. There's no doubt about that. Often a mother doesn't get a break. We usually don't have a village, or even a supportive partner who is with us 50/50, or each of us giving 100%, put another way. If my daughter had another safe adult who she wanted to spend more time with, that would be fine, if that's what's best for her development. Spend time around other family members who will nurture and enrich her life. And mom can have a break. If that was the case, then that would be wonderful. If she does not have such a safe adult or adults, then she needs me and I'm here for her. Just like so many mothers, who aren't getting breaks, and the 'married single mothers' who have partners that participate less or not at all.  It's not ideal. But we do what we have to do. For the children. Even in the case of other safe, trusted caregivers, the mother is still often the most needed. It is a simple reality and is the design ...

The psychologist who evaluated me who was assigned by the legal system claimed I was 'unaffected by the abuse' of my coercively controlling ex. This is what 'not affected' looks like: I have nightmares several times a week, memories pop up and I experience stress and anxiety. High anxiety, stress, depression, hopelessness. I feel trapped, my future and my life are ruined, how can I protect my child, how will I make it. Fear all day. What's going to happen in the future, what's he going to do to hurt and punish me. What's he going to do to our daughter.  Constant feeling like I'm a failure, my life is ruined, how could this happen to me. Is something wrong with me, what did I do to deserve this? I doubt myself and whether I can make it. It feels so impossible. I can't trust anyone anymore. I experience anxiety around men of any age. Even worry that my family members, my parents, maybe I can't trust them. The professionals who are helping me, what ...