A Survivor's Journey to Life

Who/How would I be/live do: If custody wasn't an issue If legal actions weren't an issue If anxiety every other week wasn't an issue If I feel he had no power to affect me or Nika If I was sure he couldn't do anything to affect her custody If I was sure he couldn't do anything to permanently damage her If I was sure we could come through anything unscathed If I was confident in my ability to support her and myself and see us both through anything If I was sure she would never be a victim of sa If I was sure we couldn't be harmed, that we can live as we like and not be punished or abused for it What if all these things are true, what if they really aren't an issue How would I live What would or wouldn't I be concerned about I wouldn't be so stressed, I wouldn't be so tired. If I could finally stop, focusing on all the court bs. I'd probably have less headaches. From the difficulty eating from the stress. I would feel more chill all the time. L...

I live with an evil robot. I live with an evil robot. I live with an evil robot. My dad, is an evil robot. He is not going to change. Stop hoping for that. He is an evil robot. He is programmed. I can have some limited impact. But it will always take me managing it in the moment. He is not going to take responsibility for his behavior. He's just not. He's just not. The world is full of evil robots. The mediator is an evil robot. Luis is an evil robot. Identifying the evil robots. Identifying the real human beings. Is this the way to help me cope? So that I don't take it personally anymore?

 I don't know that I can ever forgive my father. For sitting there on his phone for hours. Because he won't stop smoking around my daughter. His behaviors are the most toxic shit. My goal is to get away. To not need support. I mean, you know, that doesn't really make sense. Because you would always want to know that you had support should you need it. But support like this, can go fuck itself.  I will always be there for Nika. I want to always be a place of support that she knows she has available to her. She doesn't deserve this neglect and neither did/do I. My goal is to get financially independent but be able to keep and maintain the important bond with Nika, and care for her. No small order. I know whatever I do, it will take consistent regular action. It makes me sick the people in my life and in this world who don't take responsibility. I don't want to have to tolerate them anymore. They don't deserve it. If you want people in your life you need to not...

This situation is impossible. And that's why it's a tool for abuse. Chronic pain, financial insecurity, full responsibility of a small child. No village. One mostly male family member to contribute any help.  A migraine. Rescheduled to talk with the lady lawyer tomorrow. Time is short. I don't even know if she does family law. I don't know if we can afford Paulo or any more legal processes. A mother who can but doesn't want to support. She has always hated me, and loved me in a conditional way. I'm grateful for the support she's provided. Where would I be without that. But what I'm going through with both of my parents is far too similar to what I went through with Adrian. The main difference is they're not verbally using me as a punching bag to that extent. My mom threatens abandonment. My dad's grooming behaviors make me sick every day, his defensiveness that he's done nothing wrong and lack of self reflection, or the care to change when he...

 I don't want to be just another story, writing about how bad it is, the abuse and the stress, the heartbreak, the disregard of the legal system. The gaslighting, etc. I don't want to just have to resort to scribbling in a journal, to get my feelings out, and yet what changes? All I can do is scribble while on this heinous ride that just gets worse and worse as a deliberate abuser gets treated like a saint in the system. What a joke. What is the point to life if nothing changes and we all live the same suffering over and over. What is the point? And all so some men can believe they are getting what they want. Domination and control, exploitation and cheap labor. I find myself wondering, why didn't I know about this sooner? Why wasn't I aware of this sooner? I was aware of abuse in the world, but not like this. On the larger scale sure, but, I was still in that realm of, it hasn't happened to me, and so that must be because I'm doing something right, or not doing...

 Someday Nika, I know you will understand. I'm so sorry that I had you with an abusive person. I struggle to make this make sense, I think because ultimately, it doesn't. People shouldn't be like this. I struggle to see the way through this. For a long time I've held that equality is the only way. And it is. But how we get there is the question. It's becoming more mainstream now to expose the patriarchal roots of society. Is this a step in the direction toward equality. For a time I judged things that came up like the me-too movement. At first it seemed cool but then like everything else it gets bogged down and seems to die out and go nowhere. But I think there was an affect. A degree of validation.  When I look at life, at the issues of there being more and more narcissistic behavior pattern personalities prevalent in both men and women, and it seems like so many of us are choosing 'bad' partners, I don't see a solution of 'just choose good partners...

 Adrian Blackburn, you hate yourself so much that you hurt anyone who tries to love you. You have to destroy them. I don't know what your reasons are, aside from you like or believe you like what you get from being abusive to others, and that's why you do that. You don't want to give it up.  I dream of a day where we are free from you and free from your abuse. All I want is to LIVE. I want to be able to live and just ENJOY life, life life with JOY. I want the same for our daughter. I don't want revenge, I don't want anything. Literally anything from you. Anything received from you was a trap. A lie. A manipulation. I dream of a day where I don't think of you or see you or hear of you or anything about you. I just want to MOVE ON. But you won't let us go. You can't let go of your potential to abuse us. You won't stop yourself. You have done and are doing everything you can to make my life a nightmare. Someday I will tell everything, the truth will be ...