A Survivor's Journey to Life

 I'm losing it right now. I'm in so much pain. Realizing that the evil mother fuckers in this world don't suffer as much. Because they are selfish as hell and raise others to be servants for them so they don't have to suffer as much and the 'good' people are the ones who suffer. No wonder they choose to be the evil ones, because who wants to be the good one who suffers. Piece of shit. Ok. I think I am coming to the point where I can 'feel nothing' for them. Feel no pity. Why would I pity the assholes who sacrifice others. I just want them to not be a part of existence anymore. I don't care about torture. I don't care about revenge. I don't care about justice which seems to be another word for revenge. I just want you gone. Out. GTFO. Bye. You don't deserve to be here. Because you damage here. You make it shit for everyone. None of us have to suffer you dumb dumb. But you gotta keep it going. Keep down the ones who want to stand for someth...

 I worry about how I can do this. How I can be the best mom for Nika yet I suffer so much with this chronic pain, it makes everything so hard. Is there hope? Can I heal? Why am I going through this? I don't get it. How my parents didn't have it this bad. They didn't go through this horrible chronic pain, and they still were terrible parents. Here I am, trying so hard, yet so limited. It just doesn't seem to make sense. Like, what did I do to deserve this? I think the only way to look at it that makes it make sense is to take a step back and look at it more distantly. It's not what I did as an individual alone to cause this. It doesn't work that way. I think it's yet another veil of the gaslighting we are all under. Everything is your fault. You exist alone in a bubble.  But I came into this world a vulnerable child just like everyone else. And I was molded and groomed by force. I had no choice. I had no way out. No respite. No relief. I was alone with my cap...

 Tens of thousands of dollars. Hours of stress and bullshit. Getting evidence and going through old documents and records and emails. Do you think I would do this for fun? Who would think I would do this frivolously? I wish I had a choice to do this in another way.  I did not want to go through the legal system. In this world? That could make things worse. What choice did I have? If you think I had a choice you better listen to the facts and then see what I was dealing with. You know what I would have liked? So much? What I wanted so badly? To Just. Walk. Away. But. When you have had a child with someone that choice pretty much goes away. It doesn't have to, but it's going to depend on the other parent. And if they're the abusive type, they're not going to agree to let you walk away with their child. Oh no. They WANT that child. That child is THEIRS. They are the biological parent which means they OWN that child. They have a RIGHT to that child.  If you are not an abusi...

 What do I want to show Nika? This is one thing to ask myself. Like, in the things that come up, the things I feel, the things I wish I could do and express, I ask myself, what will serve Nika best, for how to deal with such situations herself. Like living with my dad. Every day I hate it. I wake up and it's like, he's still here, he's still the way he is, I still have to deal with all of this, face another day of all these patterns, for what little help I get.  I want to freak out, lose it, tell him off, but I know that won't serve us now, and I don't think it will serve Nika if she's ever (god forbid) in a similar situation. When I consider what she might benefit most from, is to not stress about it as much as possible, accept reality as it is (meaning don't be in conflict with it, generating added stress) but simply do what you can to use the situation to an overall benefit, as beneficial an outcome as possible. And just focus on other things. Don't f...

 I hate how much time he wastes. Sits there and scrolls. Does nothing for the future. Had one job for twenty years and gets a pension. Had basically two other jobs? Doesn't make sense. Leaves the lights on. Doesn't cook or clean. I just want to get out of here. So condescending. I'm so tired of being triggered every damn day by things he does and says. The cigarette smoking. So sad I grew up with that. Never apologizes for anything that matters. For anything that I speak about. Only as a knee-jerk reaction in moments where he perceives he might be 'in trouble'/did something 'wrong'. Sits and sits and sits there. On his phone. Good lord. He sat there like that with the dog and literally called it 'bonding'. OMFG. Huffs and puffs doing something minimal after sitting and sitting. I'm like, are you in pain? Does it actually feel bad? Or it's just something you don't 'want' to do? How is he not in pain every day all day like me? With ...

 Nika, my goal is that you know that you can always tell me if I am doing something that is not good for you, that I will hear you and consider your words and I will change whatever I can and whatever is needed so that you are considered and what is best for you is considered and honored in my actions. But my goal is that you don't ever need to tell me. If you need to tell me, shame on me. I will do my best to be self responsible and proactive in ensuring that I am considering you as I would want to be considered. It's hard to see my parent sit on the couch and surf their phone for so long, then huff and puff after getting out a container of strawberries. It's hard being in so much pain and doing so much day in and day out, taking responsibility for a fully grown adult who lives an entitled life of almost never doing any housework and letting it all fall on me 99.9%. My own parent. How do you justify to yourself eating the meals I make and you never contribute? Never cook, ...

Nothing changes who he is Nothing that happens, nothing he does, changes that He is who he is and the outcome is the same Either he changes and changes his behavior to not be a problem Or he doesn't change at all/gets worse and Nika may have to experience some abuse, but in the end she'll see who he is and I'll trust her to make a decision on how to set her boundaries to protect herself. She will see who is who and who I have been to her and that is what will matter. And I will always be here for her to help her navigate any experiences she has, and do my best to support her to feel and have her own agency in all things in her life as much as possible. Her decisions need to be her decisions. Her boundaries have to be her boundaries. Her agency has to be her agency. If she ever wants me to decide something for her, then that can be her decision, and I can decide what to do in that situation. I will trust her to let me know when she is ready to take ownership of something and...