A Survivor's Journey to Life

Today I feel like a mess, hard time regulating. I'm feeling like such a failure for you Nika. But I know I'm the best you've got. I'm the only one that is trying this hard. Literally. I am trying to get myself to see that. To stop beating myself up. To stop wasting my time judging myself against some impossible standard. I know I just need to be here for you. I know that's the most important. But I also need to fix myself, I need to heal, I need to change these patterns in me. It's going to take time, it's taking time. That's the reality. But I'm here for you. I'm here for you more than anyone ever was for me. Literally a stranger on the internet is why I am even the way I am. Why I even was able to start working on myself. Thank you Bernard Poolman. I might have unalived myself already years ago, when the years of chronic stress finally caught up to me. Thank you Time Fletcher for your work and your sharing of it.  These patterns stop here with ...

It's been a while. I don't even feel like I have the time now. I'm trying so hard. I'm crying, but tears aren't really coming at the same time. They are, but slowly. I've been holding on all day. It was a long busy day. Talked to the lawyer, Vanessa. God I hope we can keep paying her. I'm doing my best. No one should have to go through this. Some go through worse. I hope that we get through this. I say that because I don't control other's actions, namely, you father's. I just hope he keeps you safe, and returns you home. While I can't ever know for certain what he may or may not ultimately do, I think there are some factors that may be in our favor. Such as, he doesn't like to do much. He doesn't want to be full time responsible for a child. I'm doing as little as possible to feed any kind of reaction, I hope, I can't 100% know. But I do not engage. I worry a bit that I don't see him very much, just a few minutes at exchan...

LET US LIVE LET US LIVE LET US LIVE WE HAVE THE RIGHT TO LIVE FREE FROM ABUSE WE HAVE THE RIGHT TO LIVE FREE FROM ABUSE YOU DO NOT HAVE THE RIGHT TO ABUSE US I WILL NOT ACCEPT YOUR ABUSE I WILL NOT ACCEPT YOUR ABUSE OF ME I WILL NOT ACCEPT YOUR ABUSE OF OUR DAUGHTER I WILL TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR WHATEVER I CAN DO TO STOP YOU AND PROTECT US LEAVE US ALONE LEAVE US ALONE LEAVE US ALONE YOU NEVER WILL YOU WILL NEVER STOP YOURSELF  WILL YOU? WILL YOU? WILL YOU ADRIAN BLACKBURN? WILL YOU ADRAIN BLACKBURN? WILL YOU EVER STOP? WILL YOU EVER CHANGE? WILL YOU NEVER CHANGE? WILL ONLY DEATH CHANGE YOU? WILL YOU WAIT UNTIL THEN?

 It feels like the last day. It feels like a death. It's a death of who we are before we'd never spent the night apart. Not since birth when we were apart two days. You don't know how something will go, but I am fairly certain this will be traumatic for me, and for her. I will have to support us best I can, whatever happens. I'm doing my best. My period is about to start, emotions are big. I suppose I can appreciate that maybe this will help with getting the emotions out, with getting in touch with how I really feel. But I need to keep it together. I suppose it's ok for me to look hurt. But not utterly broken. Will I cry at the station? Maybe. Would that be bad? In front of Adrian. Because then he'll know/think/believe he's hurt me. He'll feel like he 'won' and might feel emboldened to keep doing what he can to hurt me. But how much influence do I have over that really? I'll probably ask chatGPT.  I feel like I'm dead inside, like my guts...

 Everything right now is a mess. Period coming. No time to think. Leaving in the morning to go meet the lawyers. No time to prepare. No time to think. Nika's behavior more 'extra' than usual. All day. 

 Right now I'm just so short on time. It won't always be this way, it's just the month from hell. I wish I had more time to write to remember all the details, but I hope I'll remember what's important. I'm trying to take even just a moment to remind myself that this will end, that things will slow down a little, within a few weeks even. This is the last two drop off/pick up weekend at 10am. The next couple weeks will be rough. The last month, or two? Or 60.. Have been rough. I must remember things won't always be this way. But this Friday, I will be making the last bus ride to pick up the car, and meeting with Vanessa to discuss the criminal case. Somehow I have to try to prepare.. And certainly I will have a massive headache after that. I would just with the bus ride and drive home alone. But with discussing the criminal case and dredging that up, and all the feelings related to that.. It's going to suck. But I have to get through it. I will have to see...

 Nika, I'm so sorry. It's a really hard time. The effects of the visitations and recent change in the schedule are horrible. Not sleeping a night through, waking up screaming, clawing, scratching, kicking. It has literally started after the first visitation since the new schedule, and every night since. I am so tired. Last night was especially short sleep and you have been more clumsy than usual, three falls in ways that usually don't happen. Tomorrow is Friday and then we are up early again Saturday and Sunday, every Saturday and Sunday this month. Why. To 'get you ready for the overnights'? Insanity. Stupidity. Sneered at by an adult when I advocated for your developmental needs. And no one said anything. No one else advocating for you. What a world. What human beings. And then after this onslaught of a month, starts the overnights. Only twice a month, but suddenly going from 7 hour long visits to 28 hours visits. Insanity. There is no way for you to be prepared f...