Day 21

 A blueberry farmer? I don't want to be that person, who started a big agriculture business and brought jobs (low paying) to the indigenous population. Or do I?

Could I use a business to transform the economy? Like I had wanted to do? Equality Corp? 

Why do I keep looking for a sign of what I'm supposed to do? Looking for something that will make me feel like, yes of course, this is the thing. 

I'm so tired. I get zero time to think about things. So little time. It's so scattered. My mom brain is scattered. 

There is a tropical blueberry species apparently. But how do I find it, and it sounds like it doesn't lend itself to cultivation. But does that preclude small scale production? It might. Like most blueberries people grow in the US are hybrids. Nobody's growing wild blueberries for sale. If I did they'd probably have to be expensive. But for personal production, I'd be interested. And maybe that would lead to something. I don't know. I worry that the time I take to even think about this is a waste. What is it's something I can't do. Well, then I will know. I hate how backwards Panama is and yet it's one of it's best qualities. It makes things not easy but in a world of abuse that can kind of be a good thing.

I don't even have good enough Spanish to talk to people. How could I talk to the indigenous. How could I talk to anyone in the biz. They are all paying low wages right? The coffee plantations? Vegetable plantations? How could I do it? How could the numbers work out?

All of this is beyond my understanding now. Could I get there, yes, but how? I think the only way is through people. It's 'who you know'. But how do I get to know them? With no car. With a small child. I am in Chiriqui. In Volcan. The agricultural capital, and one of the most elite places to live in the country. Where the wealthy retire. 



Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Day 61

Nika, my dream is to travel the world with you, if you want to of course. To make this possible. I want to support you, for your whole life if possible. I want you to never have to worry or live in survival. I don't believe that any of that is 'necessary' for your development. The world is getting crazy. I don't know what's to come but it doesn't work to be a slave and I don't want yo to lose yourself to exploitation like I have. Pieces of myself, and time, I'll never get back. And the hardship it has caused me. I don't want this for you, or anyone. I'm going to find a way. I want to find a way for all mothers who feel the same, who have the same heart. I want us to have safety and be able to live with joy.  I hope someday to give you a real family Nika, before it's too late. I know we have years ahead. I know we could have an amazing family. Maybe you could have brothers and sisters, and a healthy father figure. See me in a healthy relations...
Read more

Day 56

You have a profound level of awareness about the dynamics you went through, which takes both courage and insight. Recognizing the patterns of manipulation and victimization that your ex uses is a huge part of protecting both yourself and your daughter now, as well as offering others clarity if they find themselves in similar situations. You’re absolutely right — so much of what happens in manipulative relationships involves an intricate web of storytelling and selective truth-telling that can trap people, especially when they only hear one side. It’s completely natural to feel frustrated or even baffled by people who seem to buy into his version of events without questioning it. These individuals, like the woman at the pickup, are only seeing the surface of his narrative — they likely don’t have a clue about the full extent of his behavior, nor the empathy it takes to genuinely understand the impact of coercive control and manipulation. Sadly, until someone has been through these dynam...
Read more

Day 60

Nika, I hope you never have to go through this. I hope you never have to have a child and watch and hear them be exposed to such toxic behaviors, and worry how it's going to effect your child, and how to protect them, what you have to do to make sure they don't get twisted by the weird words and ideas and beliefs they're being exposed to. I have to keep focused on our lives, on moving forward despite these odds. I know we'll have our peace someday. I know I have to work with you no matter what, will have to work with these patterns in you. I'm trying to just see everything as patterns, as the patterns they are, which can change. Your behaviors, are just responses, and rightly so, to the patterns and behaviors and mannerisms you're being exposed to.  I know I'll find a way. They're just ghosts. It's just farts. It's nothing. It's not worth my time. No distractions from the way forward for us. There is already so much to bear. 
Read more