Day 1

Some posts will be private and maybe some will be public. I am using this blog as a catharsis for me, for my healing, and also for my daughter. So that whatever happens, she will have 'my side' of events. She will have a window into my experience, that maybe will help her to make sense of some things in the future, since she is so young now. 

There is so much to say I don't even know where to start, nor feel like I really have the time to do this how I would really like. But I just know that I have to do what I can. In the time I have. I hope I get to be around for a very long time. Nika, you are 21 months old, and I am 42, 43 in less than one month. I hope I get to be here for you for as long as you need me. I hope I get to see what a wonderful grown woman you will become. And I hope that I will have been able to do whatever I can to give you some kind of security in this life. 

There is one more supervised visit this month for New Year's Eve. Then one week later, the opportunity for unsupervised visits begins. I dread this. I'm so sorry you have to go through this at such a vulnerable age, where you can barely even speak. This makes no sense. I'm your mother, I'm literally the one person that cares the most for you in this entire world. I'm the one who is your safety while you grow, your buffer to the harms of reality, your safe space to turn to if you are anxious or sad or scared. And yet I will have to let the most cruel and deceptive human being that I personally know take you away from your safe space, your safe person, your person. I am yours, and you should be able to access me at any time. How could I even explain that I have no choice about this. That there would be greater consequences if I don't comply. 

I know you will not be in trouble the whole time per se, but just as soon as you need me and I'm not there. No child should have to go through that. Mothers should be able to be there for their children at any time. That is the kind of world we should have. Not one where mothers have to go and leave their children with others, abusive parents, or daycares, etc. Some options are 'better than others', but fundamentally, the mother should be the one they have access to, until they themselves are ready, to walk on their own of their own choice.



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